Wednesday, June 1, 2011

I Have a Penis, What Do You have?


My wife and I have a continuing discussion the past few days.  Our daughter is two and a half and we're being forced to decide what to call her private parts.  Currently she calls them her butt.  I'm not sure where it came from, but it is what it is.

She knows that my son and I have penises and calls them that.  I have no issue with it even though the horror that ran through my mother-in-law's mind at first was priceless.  Since she could walk, she's barged right in while we're using the bathroom.  Can't really hide the fact that daddy stands up to pee and has extra accessories to go along with the act.  Then when my son came along, let's just say privacy is moot at this point.  She is also aware thanks to my breastfeeding wife, that she will someday too have boobs. 

OK, so all of that was to point out that while initially, we might seem WAY too open with our toddler, some things just happen and if you're able to hide anatomy and life from your kids, kudos, you're a more diligent person than I am. 

Speaking of anatomy, that's what this is.  I'm not having the sex talk with her or anything crazy.  I don't recall what we called it as kids, my wife grew up with a bunch of Tally Wackers but can't recall what hers was called.  According to her mom it was a Hoo Hoo.  See, I'm not ok with that at all.

My sister's was called her bottom and her rear was called her butt.  That seemed simple enough but teachers and stick up their ass churchies might have a problem with the word butt.  Then again, they will probably have a problem with PENIS! Pretty sure somewhere in the New International Version, Jesus declares the penis null and void along with the century's old ruling on banning of dirty lady parts.

So, what's the problem, you're probably asking?  Why can't she just say VAGINA? Why am I making a big deal out of it?  Well frankly, she's never spoken of my penis in public, so that's one.  She has said she hurts or itches in public before.  Thank you UTIs for those awkward moments!  Hell on Memorial Day she decided to dig in the dirt, no biggy, we've got baby wipes.  But while I was working the grill and battling mosquitoes, she decided her panties were dirty from sitting in the dirt and needed to be taken off.  Because being naked in the dirt makes much more sense.  Yeah, she hurt later that night too.

My wife slept on the topic a few nights and decided if my son and I have penises, than her and my daughter have vaginas (side note, when I spell checked this post, vaginas apparently isn't a word, the plural seems to be vaginae. Who knew, guess I've never discussed multiple vaginae before!).  WHEW! Glad that's cleared up.  But seriously, I'm kinda in agreement with her.  So why bother with this post?  Cause I'd like to hear your stance.  And for the record a two year old saying vagina just werids me out, but it's kinda funny now since she can't actually say it.  So for now her "Gina" (long i) is AOK. 

I predict that sometime in Kindergarten I'm going get called into the teacher's conference to discuss the vagina issue. I told my wife that if I could keep a straight face, when asked why we allow her to say it, I'd tell the teacher that "Cunt, Twat and Pussy just seemed somehow inappropriate."  Probably never happen. 

So, what was your thingy called when you were growing up?  What have you taught your kids?

Craig Ferguson had a wonderful little story about the Shame Stick and the Magic Baby Door.  Pretty sure both are out for us.  But in response one of my old professors declared he prefers the Bald Avenger.  Thanks Dr. Sisk.

Oh and the Internet is not the best place to research this topic so I've found.  Thousands of names for each part, none of them would I ever want to hear my daughter legitimately refer to hers or a boy's units as such.  Then there's the porn, but I won't get into that right now...unless, nah gotta get back to work!


  1. We always just called it our private parts. Then one day my mom decided we needed the sex talk when I was six. On a father/daughter camping trip the following weekend I apparently (I don't remember this)asked my dad to see his penis right before bed. He said he was completely weirded out and told my mom to not mention any "parts" anytime soon. So back to calling it private parts.
    I really don't care since I don't have any kids but as a babysitter I've seen all sorts of different words used.

  2. OK, Internet Explorer is going full retard on me. I'm stuck in an endless loop trying to coment on my own blog! Choose an account, sign in, CAPTCHA, repeat!!!!

    Maybe Firefox will work [fingers crossed]

  3. OK, so on Firefox no verify human captcha...what the what folks?

  4. So Casey, I agree, private parts makes the most sense in general. I just don't want to back track and make penis a bad word at this point. Once she understands modesty this will be a moot point. Until then, grocery store declarations about her vagina will be the parental mine field we'll travel.

    By the time you and Andy have kids, their cousins will have more knowledge than you'll want yours exposed to...Christmases should be a blast!

  5. If I remember correctly, we said coochie lol. But I think the easiest way to refer to them is with actual names- Lucy and Peter. It's hard for anyone to call those names socially unacceptable since they are in fact real names, not scientific names or nicknames. Your kid shouting the name Lucy or Peter in public isn't going to turn many heads. Just a thought :)