Friday, April 22, 2011

Long Lost, Phone

I've thought about this little part of my life a lot here lately.  Had several stories to share and yet when I sit down to type, nothing feels right.  I've deleted multiple posts lately.  I'm not sure why either.  I've blogged some utter crap before, why am I being so critical now? 

Any hoo. 

On February 25th I was the long time, obsessive owner of a trendy time waster called an iPhone.  I'm sure you've heard of them.  If not, can I join you on your private island? 

On February 26th that changed.  No, I didn't buy a Droid...though the thought has crossed my mind in the past few weeks.  I already own a Blackberry for work, so the take away here is that I didn't give up my phone.  It was removed from my possession.  Yep, taken from me, the wound is still raw so please be gentle.

To my dismay, I knew the culprit well.  In a parallel universe where I am far more vindictive, cruel and irrational, said ne'erdowell might have lost a limb or four for such a crime. 

My two year old daughter absconded with my phone one evening.  This may be typical behavior for her in that she plays games and does flash cards or watches Netflix from my phone.  The difference?  It didn't come back. 

I called it after she was asleep to track it down.  Immediately, our son wakes up from his cradle in our bedroom.  I assumed it was in there.  Later that night and the next morning, I searched everywhere in the room for it.  No luck. 

I asked my little angel where my phone was.  She took my hand and brought me into the garage (where my wife and I had been working earlier that day in preparation a garage sale).  We looked about for awhile and returned to the dining room where she says, "Oh no, Daddy phone lost."

Was the garage just a diversionary tactic to make me think she was putting in the effort when in reality she couldn't care less about my phone's whereabouts?  The answer to that rhetorical question was a resounding yes.

After a few weeks, I'd given up.  We'd held a successful garage sale that required a spring cleaning of all the rooms in the house.  There was no possible way we'd overlooked it.  Though, I'd still spend at least 10 minutes a day searching the random spots in the know, under the bathroom sink, behind the nursery dresser, in the crevice between the water heater closet and the dryer, etc.  NADA.  The only plausible idea was the trash can. 

She'd been slightly obsessed with her new skill around the same time.  This skill being stepping on the lid lever and tossing our nonessentials away.  I'd assumed she'd done the same with the television remote a few months prior but it turned up in the underlining of the couch during my frantic phone search.  So at least there's a perk and a glimmer of hope, right?

7 weeks later, I've been burning up on our new mattress at night so I was in search some satin sheets in hopes of nocturnal relief.  Sheets are in a bin/basket on the top shelf of our closet but it didn't contain the cool silky black comfort I craved.  I continued my search.  Opposite side of the closet, I felt the supple fabric that would surely be my savior...and the edge I tugged was black from what I could see from below.  To my surprise, this was not what I was looking for.  This particular bin contained a slew of naughty negligees.  Sadly, I'd not seen any of this lingerie since my wife was pregnant with the phone thief. 

There amidst satin and lace lie my long lost phone.  Glee over came me.  I'm pretty sure I was temporarily possessed by a 14-year-old girl as I cried out "My Phone, My Phone, Oh My God, My Phone!  Lookie, Look!"

It wasn't until later that I realized the true irony here.  My daughter busted up my wife's self body image and caused the lingerie to become irrelevant.  She also caused the fire in the kitchen which in turn inspired our garage sale.  Then she just dumped my phone where ever she pleased after using it.  My wife going through the bin apparently for said garage sale had left it down and presumably the same evening hoisted it back to it's home with a stow away.  Because my daughter is only a few inches north of 3 feet tall, why would my wife in her stay-at-home-mom search of the house for my missing phone have ever thought to look above her own head for my phone? 

The worst part, the fact that I didn't even know that the lingerie bin existed resoundingly says more about us than the fact that I went personal phoneless for nearly two months than I dare admit.

My effing phone is back and, while I lost many a Words with Friends game, all is well again in Dorn's world...telecommunicationly speaking at least.


  1. I hope both the iphone and the sexy lingerie feature prominently in many happy times to come for you.

  2. Thanks for stopping by and for the well wishes Tattytiara! Finger's are crossed.