Thursday, January 13, 2011

TMI Thursday

Just like the title implies, the following is going to be WAY to much information to put out there but frankly it made me laugh so here it is!

TMI Thursday

Scene from a Marriage about Midnight.

The other night I'd placed my hand on my wife's thigh as we were going to sleep.

Wife: Hey, that tickled.  Watch it or I'll do to you what you do to me.
Me: You can do to me what I do to you any day.
Wife: I'm sure you would.

Just to clarify that sexual innuendo...I'm not asking my wife to put anything inside of me.  Beyond that I'll leave it up to your imagination.

Me: So.  Have you started yet?
Wife: No and not tonight, it's late Dorn.
Me:  That's not why I'm asking, unless I can change your mind about the whole being too late thing.
Wife: Probably not.  So why do you ask?
Me: Well, I'm just trying to do the math.
Wife: Are you worried?
Me: You did just inhale two of those cupcakes I made.  That was a two day chocolate jones I was fulfilling.

Exhibit A.
New Year's Res-a-what?

Wife: That wasn't just a chocolate craving, I wanted chocolate cake.  
Me: Specific is even worse...hello "pickles and ice cream joke?"
Wife: Normal people don't have those kind of cravings.
Me: That's my point!  Only pregnant chicks do!
Wife: You know that's not possible, I didn't get weird cravings plus for women who do they don't start until the second trimester.
Me: Convincing me or you?
Long Silence and I start making shadow puppets in our new projection night light.

Exhibit B.
Yep that's what it looks like...
...a simple contortion of my arm and hand.

Wife: Quit being a perv.  Why are you worried?
Me: Were you on at my parents for Thanksgiving?
Wife: No. Your sister was, remember?
Me: Were you on, on your birthday?
Wife: No.
Me: You weren't on right after that either when I refused to wear anything.
Wife: So if we are, you're admitting fault?
Me: We're just talking right now.  Did you start between Thanksgiving and your birthday?
Wife: I don't think so, but I can't remember.
Me: During Christmas?
Wife: No.
Me: So let's say it might have happened after Thanksgiving...that only gives us a couple days to work with here.
Wife: Chill out.  I can skip them when breastfeeding.
Me: Yeah, except you don't!  You started the month after each one was born.  You're regular like clockwork.
Wife: I missed August.  Just calm down.
Me: Fuck me.  That doesn't give me any solace, that just means you're really off now and it definitely could be.
Wife: I go to the doctor on Tuesday, they always check.



I should not know this much about my wife's cycle.  I should also not have to wear anything, but then I'm willing to sacrifice while my wife sustains our child solely by her bodily fluids (fine yes, we've introduced some stuff, but still!  My 21 pound, six month old son has survived strictly from frequent visits to the milk bar and that just blows my mind!).  I've vowed that 2011 would be a pregnancy free year and I'll be damned if I'm gonna eat crow in the first week!

My little freak out was for naught.  She went to the doctor and they found no positive read on their test.  In regards to the missing visitor, I guess I'm still not really convinced. I'll just ride the denial train a bit longer before I really panic...after all her doctor is a professional AND a fellow red head (he wouldn't lie to me right?)

3 comments:

  1. I was wondering what the hell you were talking about. I must have not eaten my wheaties before reading your post.

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  2. That's right. Redheads never lie. It's something in their wiring. Right?

    That shadow-puppet is definitely x-rated. Ha!

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  3. PTM, sorry for the overt ambiguity...100% whole wheat probably wouldn't have helped. Thanks for stopping by though!

    Kathryn, speaking as a Red Headed Scorpio, of course we don't...ever. And yes, I was upset at first that it came out so dark in the photo. Grateful in hindsight.

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