Monday, January 31, 2011

Toppling Toddlers

Admittedly, my daughter gets into some situations that make me question my value as a parent.  She's bumped her head crawling under, well everything!  She and I wrestle and roughhouse, much to the chagrin of my wife and mother-in-law.  She comes to my side of the bed in the middle of the night when she wakes up.  She can't put her self back to bed for some reason.  As I carry her back to her room I inevitably  (more than 50% of the time) knock her head against the door. 

I prefaced all that to say that yes, my daughter (and son, mostly at the hands of my daughter) get hurt on a regular basis.  Read my Christmas recap and you'll see even more evidence of the abuse my child takes.  In all seriousness people, do not call CPS, I don't intentionally harm nor do I neglectfully harm my child!  We went to the park yesterday.  It's usually fairly low key, maybe one or two other parents and a few other neighborhood kids.  Not yesterday though!  It was 80 degrees out and everyone took full advantage of a warm winter day!  Yes, now all of you who have twenty feet of snow outside can groan and spite me. I live in Texas for more than just great BBQ, no state income tax, and the joy of being surrounded by illegal aliens.

Note the Bad Ass Thundercats Shirt!
I'm a cool dad!

We loaded up in the wagon and headed down the street.  As we arrived at the park I'd guess there was easily 25 kids and a dozen parents.  As we made our way down the path we first encountered a band (three qualifies as a band, right?) of armed children.  They had a BB gun aimed right at us.  I stared them down as we passed poised to beat someone else's child in front of them had that trigger clicked!  A dad finally said, "you shouldn't point guns at people."  I thought, if that's your child, you're a dick because he shouldn't be allowed to have a gun at the park!  I never could place who was "responsible" for the kids nor who the gun belonged too.  At one point another child had the gun and announced to his dad (same one with the aforementioned sage advice) "Look what I found!"  His dad scolded him and said "you didn't find that so don't say that because you're not keeping it."  Guess he's off the hook.

I let my daughter just run around the five different areas and I was going to chill on the picnic benches while my son played with his assortment of chew toys.  Yes, at 6/7 months they are just like a puppy.  I'd asked my daughter if she wanted me to keep her sunglasses while she played.  Her swift answer was no.  As I'm walking to the benches, wagon in tow, she begins to cry out "Daddy, Daddy, Wait!"  A pair of mothers on the other picnic bench said, "You can't leave, where are you going?"  I don't know if they were commenting on her crying out in jest as I would or if they actually thought I was ditching my kid.  I turned around and she handed me her glasses and trotted off to the fun stuff.

I had to get up to look a few times when she was out of my sight.  Once I thought I heard her cry and it took a bit to track her down but she was fine.  Guess another little girl took a tumble. 

So my thought here is that if your kid hasn't been walking even half their age, they aren't fit to be on their own.  After that, fine they'll survive most things.  I was stretching this thought letting her roam free, but I was a 3-10 second sprint away at all times.

This little 18ish month old kid named Dominic stopped by the wagon and tried to drink my daughter's juice.  His dad followed over shortly and steered him away.  I saw him commandeer another little kid's Tomas The Tank Engine powered scooter thing.  He played with it for a few minutes before the dad finally was like "that's not ours, yada yada yada."   Later I was watching my daughter check out a set of bikes and trikes.  She mounted one of the tricycles to take it for a spin.  She doesn't have one of her own, but I guess playing around in Target and watching kids on TV has taught her a thing or two.  She was able to get those pedals going. 

Well, it turns out this trike belonged to Dominic.  They were just far enough away that I couldn't hear the exchange.  But I could see from my daughter's face that he wasn't happy.  She dismounted and just stood there.  He pushed.  She just stood her ground.  His dad came between the two of them and my daughter just walked away.  He then proceeds to mount another kids bike. So much for playground justice. I walked over to her and asked if she wanted to swing and she more than happily obliged.  No reason to dwell on the negative right kid?

We'd been out there for about 45 minutes when I loaded them up to head home.  As we rounded the corner of the fenced play ground I saw Dominic swinging with his dad.  It was one of those safety swings with the giant yellow latch that comes all the way over the kid and locks to the swing.  Yeah, well it wasn't latched.  In fact, it wasn't down, it was above his head.  Fine, my daughter has knocked her chin into it because she's just a bit small for it, but still safety features exist for a reason.  Dominic and his dad took it one step further.  Dominic was standing in the chair as his dad swung him.  We only had about 15 yards to walk before we crossed directly behind him.  Dominic swung up and flipped straight out of that chair and landed face down in the mulch legs flipping over his back.  I didn't smile nor did I feel good about it, in fact I winced and cringed.  Dominic's dad saw me witness this.  I think he even had the same thought I did roll through his head before it happened.  "You're an idiot and that kid is gonna get hurt."  Sure enough it did.  This wasn't justice, it wasn't even karma (maybe a little) it was stupid parenting. 

Keep the rough housing and areal acrobatics behind closed doors.  Far fewer judges around!

Friday, January 28, 2011

Lost & Found

I've mentioned that I work for a rental car company several times before.  The type of customers we get in our stores span the class spectrum.  The upper crusties  who's Land Rover is in the shop and they've had the audacity of making them drive a lowly rental instead of a loaner...the nerve!  Your typical business man who is just making a run to Dallas for the day...typically your very best customer!  Your weekend renter who's own car is a piece so they'll fork over the big bucks for a half price rental to take the family to Six Flags!  The bottom of the barrel praying their credit card can handle the deposit and then turn around and lodge a complaint against the agent because they're looking for a discount after the fact.  This industry keeps you on your toes.  I've had to talk to bat shit crazy customers who've thrown things at my agents and ones so looped up on drugs after their recent accident I can't believe we actually rented a car to them.  None the less, when something goes south, I'm the one they call.
I've dealt with more than my share of Slimers in my career!

So it's when I have to deal with someone who isn't an actual customer that I get the most absurd interactions.  I'm talking about the kind that choose to call you because something has happened with one of our employees or one of our vehicles.  

Customers' vehicles being involved with hit and runs are common place.  Hello, you gave us your credit card and driver's license!  Did you really think we wouldn't cooperate with the FBI after your crime spree?  (That was a fun one!)

Like many of my locations, the one in question today is in a super busy strip center.  About a year ago this same location gave me one of my favorite experiences involving a lady who wasn't about to let him come between her and a McDonald's breakfast!  For brevity sake, lemme just tell you that threats of gun violence were involved.  I've also talked about two of his other customers in the past.  (Link, Link).

Yesterday was unfortunately my instigation.  I got to the store about an hour before close.  We were talking and at some point he asked me if I could figure out this phone he had sitting on his desk.  He explained that the UPS guy had brought it in from the sidewalk out front assuming it was one of his customers.  (Skipping to the end of the book here, it wasn't one of our customers.)  It had rang earlier but he couldn't figure out how to unlock the phone to return the call or find any other helpful numbers to try and uncover the owner.  Lost and found calls are typically the best when you've found someone's item.  They are so happy and you get to be the hero for a few seconds.  Here's an example of when things don't have a warm fuzzy ending.  I'll spare you the multitude of drugs and weapons we've found.  I can understand leaving a CD or sunglasses, but 5 pounds of weed or a loaded .45?  Not items you just "forget."

It took a few seconds of playing around but I was able to work my way through the touch screen slide keyboard heavy as hell Motorola.  So I called the last person back.  Names have been change to protect the idiots innocent.  Justin O'Malley didn't answer the phone, nor did it roll to voicemail.  Must be a land line.  So I saw that "Dad" had called a few times too.  I gave "Dad" a ring.  "Dad" answered and I explained who I was and what the deal was with the phone and I swear that a stoned Andy Griffith responded that it was his daughter's phone! 
SOOOOO not what I was expecting when I Googled Andy Griffith.
Didn't he sing gospel?
Isn't that the nosy neighbor from Alf? 
Way to get randy Andy!

He said she'd be by to pick it up.  I told him the store's hours and he seemed to follow me, though the stoner voice was winning out over the kind and happy Grandpa voice.  I hung up and relayed the story to my guy and told him he's probably both old and a stoner, after all this is Austin, TX.  He said, you know he's about to call that phone to get a hold of her.

We continued talking and the phone rang as we both cracked up.  It wasn't him, but Justin O'Malley, the first guy I called.  Turns out it's the lady's son.  He seems to be more with it that good ole gramps.  I gave him the low down and asked what his mother's name was.  He said "Justin O'Malley."  Scratch the sentence about being with it! I asked him what his mother's name is.  He replied "yeah, it's my mom's thanks!"  Are we having a connection problem or is Grampie's wacky weed the good shit?  So I said "Who will pick up the phone?" He says "Oh, she will."  Gritting my teeth, I ask "and her name?" He chimes in with "she's Cindy O'Malley. Oh, I probably ought to get your number or something."  "Here it is."

We got off the phone and it occurred to me that I should have told him what time we close as Grandpa was sure to forget.  Then a few seconds later the phone rings again.  It's Dad! Grandpa must be trying to track her down.  I answered "Hello."  Stoned Andy replies "Whaaaaaat arrrrrre youuuuuuuu doooooooin'?" Do I sound like a Cindy? I took a deep breath and said, "Hi this is Dorn, I spoke with you a few minutes ago about your daughter's phone."Oh that's right, can't call her on the phone because you got it!" "Yes, sir." "Well thank you, good bye."

At this point the store is closing in 30 minutes and I'm thinking we should just set the phone back on the concrete.  Then Cindy calls the shop.  They chat for a moment before she wants to know where they are located.  My guy told her the shopping center where he is.  She tells him she doesn't know where that is.  I hear him attempt rational thought with her. "Ma'am, weren't you here? You dropped your phone in front of the store." I hear a deep sigh and he proceeds to give her the address.  Five times.

She then asks what time they close and upon hearing that says she can't make it.  She asks if he'll meet her somewhere in the city and he informs her that's not going to happen.  But he can leave it with the wine bar next door since they'll be open later.  He has me step out side to read their sign as they've recently changed names.  I do and when I come back to hear him telling her their address is the same as his, they are in the same shopping center.  He gives her the address again and the name of the wine bar and directions to the shopping center.

After he was off the phone, he looks at me and says Dad was in the hospital, "now don't you feel bad talking about him that way?"  I smirked, "Not at all, he might have a morphine excuse but his progeny got it somewhere!"

See if I go above and beyond any time soon!  I just don't know how some people survived childhood, let alone walk among us today!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Mess, Black Mess

Another glimpse into the life of this marriage with children.

Came home last night to the normal routine.  Littlest one is asleep, Wife is cleaning the house and Oldest one is all over me for attention.  I went in to start cooking dinner.  Yep, I work 50 hours a week (not including 25 on call hours!) and come home and cook every night! She knows she's a lucky lady!

I was cooking some pasta and had sliced up some fresh baked bread and put out oil and balsamic with herbs as a appetizer/snack while the rest cooked.  (No I didn't bake my own bread, just hit the store right as it came out of the oven...I'm no Martha)

I'd diced up my veggies and sausage and peeled my shrimp.  I was working on prepping everything else.  Wife had given Oldest some of the uncooked pasta.  They were little wagon wheels...gotta know your audience right? So she just kept on with "More Wheels Please" the whole time.  This is a habit she gleamed from my wife and I do not understand it.  Wife will eat dried spaghetti all the time.  Ramen in broccoli salad is about the only time I'm down with it.  Oh well, it doesn't hurt, but after five or six wheels I'd cut her off, no belly ache on my watch. 

So Wife had gone to rescue the screaming littlest one who's now awake in his cradle.  There was an incident.  One of those incidents where, as a parent, you realize the error of your ways almost immediately.  A scenario played out in my head but by the time I'd turned around it was too late.  All I got was "uh oh!"

So when Wife came back incident was over and taken care of...well mostly.

Wife: Baby doll, where are your pants?
Oldest: No pants.
Wife:  I see that.  Dorn, why is she pantless?
Me:  Ask your daughter.
Wife:  What happened to your pants?
Oldest:  Mess, Black Mess.
Wife: What?

Here's the What!  

That scenario I saw was when I took the bag of wheel shaped pasta she'd pulled down from one counter and moved it to the center of the produce and bread I'd compiled on another counter.  As I turned to stir the sauce, I pictured the bread knife flying off the cutting board as she tugged it for closer reach.  Followed by this!

Ignore the broader mess that is an active house with children and note the splatter.  You can even see where she was standing as there isn't a splatter mark in a pie slice shape.  Oh the things you notice thanks to CSI!

I have to give her this, at least it wasn't in her hair...olive oil and scalps really shouldn't mix unless medically instructed!  No more wheels for you!

Monday, January 24, 2011

The Beast's 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2010

Enjoy this read.  The Beast Link

I'm not in agreement with many of his folks, but his number one is quite exquisitely spot on.  For those of you who won't follow the link.  Here it is insulting my state and all.

1) You
Your brain’s been cobbled together over millions of years of blind evolution and it shows. You’re clumsy, stupid, weak and motivated by the basest of urges. Your MO is both grotesquely selfish and unquestionably deferential to questionable authority. You’re not in control of your life. You wear your ignorance like a badge of honor and gleefully submit to oppression, malfeasance and kleptocracy. You will buy anything. You will believe anything. You believe that evolution is a matter of belief. You likely scrolled down to #1, without reading the rest, because you’re an impatient, semi-literate Philistine who’s either unable or unwilling to digest more than 140 characters at a time. You think Epic Beard Man is a national hero and that Bradley Manning might be Eli and Peyton’s brother. You believe in American exceptionalism despite the contrary, compelling and overwhelming evidence. You tacitly partake in all manner of atrocity without batting a lash. You’re actively participating in our species’ extinction and you’re either in denial or you just don’t give a shit. You escape into every sort of mind-numbing distraction and ridiculous, convoluted fantasy, so you don’t have to face the bitter, terrifying fact that your life is utterly meaningless.
Aggravating factors: The careers of Rush Limbaugh, Oprah Winfrey, John Stossel and Justin Bieber; the success of The Secret, “Medium” and Atlas Shrugged; the election of Rand Paul; the existence of Kentucky, Texas and “Sarah Palin’s Alaska.”
Sentence: Bad teeth, an affinity for afternoon tea and the guilt-plagued, nostalgic psyche of a fallen empire.

 Relevance? Might be a stretch...might.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

How Big a Dork Am I?

I was sent a link to a Rube Goldberg Machine and was in awe the entirety.  Link here!

I remember watching Pee Wee's Big Adventure when I was a kid and thinking that opening scene was the most awesome way to cook breakfast ever!  (sure as hell beats making it yourself after a hang over) Link cause someone sucks and disabled the embedding

The engineering and artistry (yes I'm geeking out that hard that I used those two adjectives to describe the work of nerds with way too much time on their hands) make me matter how trivial their end result is.

Well except for OK Go!  The end result was a fun video and colorful band mates!  Good job guys!

Monday, January 17, 2011

I Just Want To Fly

I'm cleaning out my household trash heap office last night and was creating piles of crap.  You know "stuff to be shredded," "stuff to be put in other rooms," "stuff to burn," "stuff you're glad you ran across instead of the wife," "stuff you wish your wife had found so you didn't have to wait, that's stuff to burn, never mind." etc.  

In the "stuff to be put in other rooms" I was amassing quite a pile of crap which is typical.  Perfect solution, right?  Move crap from one room to another and eliminate as little as possible so the next time you clean, the same things just get moved into another room? In the pile is a pewter and stained glass fairy, an odd pair of craftily made angles, a puzzle piece of an airplane, a wing from my son's flying monkey Halloween costume, my daughter's superman punching bag that I haven't filled up, and a toy glider shaped like a dragon.  Noticing a pattern?  A.) none of this shit is mine.  B.) They all fly and I don't.  C.) my whole family must be trying to tell me something.

Either they are trying to rub it in my face that I am grounded or they think I should have superpowers and realize I don't so they are trying to leave me inspiration.

So my wife and I have had this discussion before.  If you could have any super power, what would it be?  My wife's is always the ability to fly.  Mine is typically telekinesis or telepathy.  I don't want to necessarily read people's minds but I'd love to be able to control them.  Yeah, a bit of a god complex.  But as I'm getting older, I care far less about that kind of control.  I'm joining my wife's team and wishing for flight.  Not the Southwest "you are free to move about the country" kind either.  I want Superman, no wings necessary (cause really, feathers are gross) self propelled air time!

I want the freedom to feel myself rushing through the atmosphere.  I would love to not require a vehicle everywhere I travel.  I would love to be able to do something no one else can either. Thanks for the inspiration family. Oh but I'll probably hold off on hang gliding for a while just because...that first step's a doozie! 
Impressed with this by my wife daily!

What's your superpower dream?  If you could be invisible, where would you go first?  If you had the ability to read minds, whose would you pry into?

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Facebook Hoax

Yep, read this article and actually believed it.

Facebook is shutting down on March 15th!

So the logical questions rolled through my head...Is this a publicly traded company?  Wouldn't they just make him retire and not shut their cash cow down?  Is this Myspace's wet dream? 

I mean, I wasn't reading The Onion after all.  In retrospect, I should have noticed the National Inquirer "Bat Boy" logo and known something was up.  

Speaking of Mr. Zuckerberg, did you hear he was on the 10 worst dressed list?  (Link) It really is pathetic when you think about it.  It's like he's still 14 years old.  Esquire put it perfectly "no matter how much money you have or how many people's secrets you hold in your digital palm, you cannot show up to a black-tie event in a t-shirt and jeans and expect to be taken seriously. Seriously."  Maybe he's afraid no one would recognize him otherwise.  I mean seriously, valets dress nicer.

Though, there are some folks who wouldn't have had the fantastic 2010 with out him...Link.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Yo, Quit Jackin' with My Sign!

I must have missed a critical piece of information in physical science classes.  I had no idea the sun revolved around anything.  So when I started seeing all these articles about how the sun now travels through a new constellation, I became a little confused.  (Link, Link, Linkity, Freaking Link.)  There are now 13 signs of the Zodiac instead of 12.  A constellation that is now being included is called Ophiuchus, The Snake Charmer...also known as Serpentarius.
Here's the new lay out courtesy of the Time link above.
Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.
Feb. 16-March 11.
March 11-April 18.
April 18-May 13.
May 13-June 21.
June 21-July 20.
July 20-Aug. 10.
Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.
Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.
Nov. 29-Dec. 17.
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.

OK, fine.  Welcome to the crazy club.  I hate that I'm admitting this, but irritates me that I just got bumped.  I'm no longer Scorpio, I'm a Libra.  WTH?  Why are there some signs that last only a week and other that last nearly six?  This might be my official vow to end all talk forever about star signs. 

Oh and here's just a reality check.  While looking at the Time link I noticed the trending stories below.  Wiki is 10 years old (high school research papers never saw this coming!), a boy reenacted the "tongue stuck to the frozen pole" scene from A Christmas Story, and the Pope is seeking the "Perfect Christian Name" because Mary Theresa and Jesus (I've still never met a non-"Hey Zeus" Jesus) just weren't quite the dead give away that you're a Catholic he's looking for.  Always be mindful of the company you keep!  Notice the flooding in Australia, volcano in Sicily, or the collapse of the Lebanese government didn't quite make the cut!

As an aside, if we now travel through a constellation that everyone already knew about, wouldn't that mean we've always had it around?  So why change anything?  More so, aren't constellations just random groupings of stars that are billions of miles away from each other, but from our perspective they are side by side?  More so, couldn't you come up with a gillion more constellations if you started looking around the sky?  Hell with the way my daughter colors, she'd be able to connect those dots in no time.  We've all been the same sign this whole time, you just needed a two-year old to map it out!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

TMI Thursday

Just like the title implies, the following is going to be WAY to much information to put out there but frankly it made me laugh so here it is!

TMI Thursday

Scene from a Marriage about Midnight.

The other night I'd placed my hand on my wife's thigh as we were going to sleep.

Wife: Hey, that tickled.  Watch it or I'll do to you what you do to me.
Me: You can do to me what I do to you any day.
Wife: I'm sure you would.

Just to clarify that sexual innuendo...I'm not asking my wife to put anything inside of me.  Beyond that I'll leave it up to your imagination.

Me: So.  Have you started yet?
Wife: No and not tonight, it's late Dorn.
Me:  That's not why I'm asking, unless I can change your mind about the whole being too late thing.
Wife: Probably not.  So why do you ask?
Me: Well, I'm just trying to do the math.
Wife: Are you worried?
Me: You did just inhale two of those cupcakes I made.  That was a two day chocolate jones I was fulfilling.

Exhibit A.
New Year's Res-a-what?

Wife: That wasn't just a chocolate craving, I wanted chocolate cake.  
Me: Specific is even worse...hello "pickles and ice cream joke?"
Wife: Normal people don't have those kind of cravings.
Me: That's my point!  Only pregnant chicks do!
Wife: You know that's not possible, I didn't get weird cravings plus for women who do they don't start until the second trimester.
Me: Convincing me or you?
Long Silence and I start making shadow puppets in our new projection night light.

Exhibit B.
Yep that's what it looks like...
...a simple contortion of my arm and hand.

Wife: Quit being a perv.  Why are you worried?
Me: Were you on at my parents for Thanksgiving?
Wife: No. Your sister was, remember?
Me: Were you on, on your birthday?
Wife: No.
Me: You weren't on right after that either when I refused to wear anything.
Wife: So if we are, you're admitting fault?
Me: We're just talking right now.  Did you start between Thanksgiving and your birthday?
Wife: I don't think so, but I can't remember.
Me: During Christmas?
Wife: No.
Me: So let's say it might have happened after Thanksgiving...that only gives us a couple days to work with here.
Wife: Chill out.  I can skip them when breastfeeding.
Me: Yeah, except you don't!  You started the month after each one was born.  You're regular like clockwork.
Wife: I missed August.  Just calm down.
Me: Fuck me.  That doesn't give me any solace, that just means you're really off now and it definitely could be.
Wife: I go to the doctor on Tuesday, they always check.

I should not know this much about my wife's cycle.  I should also not have to wear anything, but then I'm willing to sacrifice while my wife sustains our child solely by her bodily fluids (fine yes, we've introduced some stuff, but still!  My 21 pound, six month old son has survived strictly from frequent visits to the milk bar and that just blows my mind!).  I've vowed that 2011 would be a pregnancy free year and I'll be damned if I'm gonna eat crow in the first week!

My little freak out was for naught.  She went to the doctor and they found no positive read on their test.  In regards to the missing visitor, I guess I'm still not really convinced. I'll just ride the denial train a bit longer before I really panic...after all her doctor is a professional AND a fellow red head (he wouldn't lie to me right?)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Take a Trip

This was really freaking cool...totally warps whatever you look at afterward. 

Follow the instructions:

     Get ready to experience.

 Click on the link below.

2.- Then "click me to get trippy".

3.- Look at the center of the screen for 30 seconds, and then.

4.- Look at your hand holding the mouse (or using the touch pad),
    without moving it away from the mouse...NOT BEFORE!

    (it is called "cenesthetic hallucination")

Monday, January 10, 2011

Name that Product!

I was checking out this post of Minimalist Label design and it got me thinking about marketing in general and how we have been semi-brainwashed by over advertising. 

I'm not talking about how Bud Light, Coors Light and Miller Lite are each marketing a product that tastes identical and isn't really beer at all...and I'm not dwelling on how crappy beer will keep you thin and get you lots of chicks either.  Although, I do want to ask you something along those lines.  Who is the official beer sponsor of the Super Bowl?  I'll give you a hint...It's not Bud!  ANSWER HERE

I'm also not going to get into another Super Bowl beverage war...Yeah I'm talkin' to you Coke and Pepsi!  Keep it clean or I'll find a damn Shasta!

I'm talking every day things.  Here are some simple questions.  (Oh, sorry I forgot to mention this is more of a pop quiz than an blog post today)

  • 1.) What do you use to clean out your ears?
  • 2.) What do you use when you blow your nose?
  • 3.) What do you put on a cut to help it heal faster?
  • 4.) What do you put on top of said cut to keep it protected?
  • 5.) What do you put your home cooked left overs in to be stored in the fridge?
  • 6.) What do you wrap the top of a bowl of Aunt Erma's delicious ambrosia that not a soul touched during Christmas dinner before you stash it in the fridge?
  • 7.) What do you put your left over Christmas ham sandwich in to take to work?
  • 8.) What do you take to get rid of the head ache the previous seven questions delivered?

    Alright, those questions weren't as simple as I meant them to be.  It's harder to not mention any descriptors than I'd given it credit for.   Oh and just to clarify, a bottle of wine was not the answer to number 8.

    OK, in case you missed it, I'm leading this somewhere. 
    • 1.) That'd be a Cotton Swab...QTip sure does make a good one though!
    • 2.) Hand me a Facial Tissue just doesn't roll of the tongue the way Kleenex does huh?
    • 3.) I've never in my life said Triple Antibiotic Ointment, have you?  I don't think I've actually bought non-generic Neosporin in years though.  Of course my grandfather would have answered this Cut Heal.  Go ahead, follow the link...yep that's Horse Salve and damn if it doesn't carry a foul odor...I swear gangrene would be more tolerable.   
    • 4.) This is what really started it all...I burned the crap out of myself the other day and taught my fascinated daughter the word Band Aid.  My wife cut her finger and our daughter went around chanting "Mommy Band Aid Owie!"  We've now run out and I noticed that no where on our box of Curad brand Adhesive Bandages did it say what they actually were.  
       They looked like this.
      Though I don't think this is an example of 
      simpler marketing like the above link provided.   
      I really think it's more like "If Band Aid 
      can be that cocky, so can we!"
      • 5.) Um, that's just a plastic container.  But Tupperware is all I've ever called it.  I don't even know if I've owned actual Tupperware.  Do you remember when Glad began making those deli meat packages and marketing them as take and toss containers?  They tried to get Gladware to catch on.  It better not is all I have to say...microwave that shit and you'll die...let alone the recycle factor but don't get this half hippy started!
      • 6.) Plastic Wrap...I actually did say this in the restaurant biz.  I guess Saran Wrap is more on the consumer side versus professional.  Oh and I'm pretty sure they don't make mega rolls like we used at my high school warehouse job.  That comes in super handy when shrinkwapping the boss's car on April Fools too!
      Those were the days!

      • 7.) Plastic Baggy is what my wife calls them so I'm gonna concede if you do too.  Me?  When I ask your ass for a Ziploc bag, your response better not be will Hefty do?  It better be Sandwich, Quart or Gallon sir? 
      • 8.) Yes I too need an Aspirin.  Oh and you all in the Tylenol, Ibuprofen or Heroin delegation can just zip it!
      OK, so that was a hell of a lot of fun huh?   So how many of these do you just instinctively associate with a major brand instead of what the actual product is?  Crisco and PAM are a couple others I'd come up with but was too lazy to figure out how to distinguish the two.  Oh and I'm sure Apple effing hates the fact that we all use PC as interchangeably as Computer (iPhone glory aside) where I've never heard anyone say, "Lemme jump on the Mac and find that."

      Brand recognition is everything.  We all know what McDonald's is, so why on Earth do they keep pumping millions into advertising?  Because we the consumer are fickle lovers and have no shame flirting with Jack in the Box while the King broils our buns...and you don't wanna know where Wendy is right now!

      Sunday, January 9, 2011

      Life Flanked by Tragedy

      Read this Washington Post article about a 9 year old killed in Tuscon this weekend.  I'm not saying the tragedy didn't catch my full attention when so many were shot.  Or that a Federal Judge was killed.  Or that those who died or were injured were victims of a madman's plot to kill his State Representative. 
      Christina-Taylor Green

      Knowing this little girl's life will forever be associated with tragic events is heartbreaking.  Who knows what she could have done in life.  Being born on September 11th, 2001 alone could have been inspirational enough for her to become a motivational speaker.  But then to be murdered as a child in another politically motivated act of evil deeply saddened me.

      Here's the official victim's list from

      18 people were injured when a 22-year-old man opened fire at a town hall meeting led by Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords Saturday morning in Tucson.
      According to Pima County Sheriff's Office, the following victims were killed in Saturday shooting spree in Tucson:
      • 30-year-old Gabriel Zimmerman, Gabrielle Gifford's staffer
      • 9-year-old Christina Greene, student at Mesa Verde Elementary School
      • 63-year-old John Roll, Chief Federal District Court Judge
      • 76-year-old Dorthy Morris
      • 79-year-old Phylis Scheck
      • 76-year-old Dorwin Stoddard, pastor of Mountain Avenue Church of Christ

      Saturday, January 8, 2011

      Judgment Day

      End of days huh?  I'm not a believer but I'll totally give my friend (and every other religious nut) credit for making the connection.  Then again, has a few good points with movie references. 

      I'll admit the thousands of birds that died in Arkansas the other day, the thousands of dead fish in Maryland and now the Italian turtle doves...I'm getting a little worried. 

      Snow in places it shouldn't, earthquakes in unexpected places.  These are pretty much straight up Revelation type schiznit.  I give it two weeks before someone like Joel Osteen declares Obama the serpent rising from the middle east as the Anti-Christ.  (Although, I'd bet money Joel himself fits the bill just as nicely!)  Then again, I guess it depends on which faction you fall into (I'm obviously not in either) pre or post tribulation as to whether we would have already met the Anti-Christ. 

      Nice, I'm snickering at most of this as I type.  I guess those worries just needed to be vocalized typed so I could see their irrationality.  Now back to those birds...some jack ass is probably trying to replicate the Flashforward event and we're all gonna get to see our futures here shortly.  Whoops there I go again with the crazy talk.  Better go to bed before I crack open that KJV on the shelf over there!

      Tuesday, January 4, 2011

      Doppelgänger in da Haus!

      We've watched some random movies on Netflix streaming lately.  The other day I saw Ari Graynor in a flick and swore I was watching Ke$ha.  I'm sorry Ms. Graynor, I know that's a low blow and was an opinion/mistake that could have been kept to myself, but it's out there now.  You can find some solace in the fact that as far as I've (not actually) heard, you're reputation isn't one of a skanky party whore!

      Take a look for yourself.  I still see it, just slap some Vegas skank on Ari and bam you got Kesha!

      As an avid Fringe Fan, I should have known better...

      Then again, what's another famous blond twentysomething?

      Sunday, January 2, 2011

      Every Parent is Warned

      We are warned against comparing our children to each other and those of friends etc.  You just can't help it though.  When my daughter was a couple month's old we were at a birthday party where one mother shared her "techniques" for getting her child to sleep through the night in her own room by the age of 4 weeks.  Let's just say it involves strength I don't posses in the form of allowing your child to scream for extended periods.

      This same mother has since had a second child who is only a month older than my son.  He's not been as easy to break as her daughter was.  She began feeding him food (including meat) before he was 4 months old.  We've chosen to delay it because my wife breastfeeds and our little chunk is more than healthy enough on his liquid diet.  He'll be six months this week and we've begun introducing food...specifically rice cereal and this week it was apples.

      Hers is now crawling.  Not that I want another mobile destructo-machine but it got me worried about our kid's development.

      Lemme tally up my own children then...yes I know, big no no...roll with it though.

      Daughter - Born a month early...her timing and possibly partly daddy's fault for making mommy walk around a Renaissance Fair for half a day and then spending Halloween walking all over downtown!
      Son - Born a week early...also his own timing even though he ultimately had to be removed...stubborn kid wouldn't flip over in the womb and fully dilated or not, they don't deliver breach babies anymore.

      Daughter - Began sleeping six hours by the sixth week...hallelujah!
      Son - Six months in and we're lucky if he sleeps for five!

      Daughter - Jaundice issues, baby acne and cradle cap.
      Son - Here's another hallelujah!

      Daughter - Loved her pacifier and ultimately so did we.
      Son - Rubber Nipple what?

      Daughter - Wouldn't be set down, wouldn't sleep anywhere but on us or in our bed until she was 14 months.
      Son - Loves to crash out in the swing, loves hanging out in his exercisaucer, still sleeps with us half the time.

      Daughter - Was like a Tasmanian Devil in the womb and swaddling whatsoever.
      Son - Chill and absolutely needed swaddling the first five months to sleep!

      Daughter - Giant Blue Eyes that just draw you in.
      Son - An easy smile that charms you instantly!

      Both look like us so much is scary.  I have to say the second one was easier because there was less Earth Shattering Change.  He was easy to calm down because I've been there done that.  I may...dare I claim it...have more patience with him.  Since she's got 20 months on him I'll leave the comparisons to the above...though she's still my whirlwind and he's my laid back hipster!

      Saturday, January 1, 2011

      A Dad Reviews

      It's a new year and I'm ready to try another new venture.  This one is coming in the form of a new blog.  I'd like to begin reviewing kid's products.  I'll admit I'm not quite sure where I want this to ultimately lead but it's certainly something I have a current working knowledge base for. 

      I'd love to hear your ideas and thoughts.  I've outlined a rough drafted ratings system and category break down.  These types of things aren't objective but I'd like to attempt keeping it useful to other parents.  I know my wife and I research products a lot before purchasing them especially when there is a large price tag involved.  We also researched tons of stuff when we were venturing into unknown know, diaper rashes, introducing food, car seat upgrades and what not.

      Here's the link.  Please take a look and let me know what you think.  And if you have any idea how to create side bar items that are custom but dummy proof, I'd love a nudge in the right direction! 

      Hope 1-1-11 was great for you, I know I'm happy it's Saturday and I don't have to go back to work tomorrow.