Friday, December 3, 2010

The Thigh Bone Connected To The Hip Bone

My daughter is two.  She's been in learning mode since she was born.  At one point, early on, I remember thinking: "if only you could talk."  We even taught her sign language to help with communication before her vocal communicative abilities kicked in.  Fast forward a bit and BLAMO!  I now have a walking, talking, destruction machine.  

As soon as walking became a notch on her belt the bathroom lost any sense of privacy it ever once held.  She'd smack that door open and join us was we did our business every time.  Fine.  We just got over it.  I had to nip the whole "try to catch the stream game" real quick.  Ultimately though it's one of the reasons we were able to potty train her so early.  She saw us do it all the time and it made the transition easier.

So let's just say that learning the parts of the body is something of a common place topic in our home for the past year.  Nose, Fingers, Bellybutton.  Whatever, those are so last year.  No seriously.  Between her joining me in the bathroom and her watching our five month old get his diaper changed, she knows what's going on down there for both girls and boys.  Mom breastfeeds so there is no question of what's going on up there either.

So I shouldn't have been surprised when we flipped channels and landed on the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show and the first utterances from her were: "Panties!" "Boobs!"

Thank you Captain Obvious.

If you've never been down the potty training road, lemme just say, it isn't without it's share of accidents.  I'll spare you further detail.  But given that she understands the whole "package" deal with me and her brother, the next incident had me just rolling. 

I was changing the other day getting ready to go out after work.  I'm in just my boxer-briefs.  She walks over to me (crotch level) and taps my junk.  Looks at Mommy and says "Daddy Pooped."

Why Mommy wasn't upset nor making me change "panties" seemed to be beyond her. 

So, it turns out my daughter isn't the only one in the house in need of an anatomy lesson.  And no I don't mean my five month old son.  My wife called me today laughing hysterically.  She'd flipped on The Talk.  Today's episode included Embarrassing Health Related Questions to a Doctor.

Apparently everyone was chiming in with questions.  They turned to Sharon Osborn and said, come on Sharon you must have a question.  She said that, well yes she did.  "Why is it that when women get older, their vagina's fall out?"

My wife said Holly Robinson Peet spit her drink everywhere at that moment.  Little did my wife know over the phone that my face fell into a Friday-the-13th-about-to-be-slashed-with-a-machete-look of shock and horror.

"What?  Your vagina will fall out?"

She said the doctor corrected Sharron and said that she means your uterus, not your vagina.

"What?  Your Uterus falls out?  That's a friggin' organ!  What do you mean it falls out? How disgusting!"

She says "well, not like you just end up with a balloon in your underwear or anything."

I responded, well that's at least better, because I was picturing a blow fish suddenly landing on the street assuming granny is going commando."

She said "Oh god Dorn!  That's just gross. It's more like gravity takes over. It's kinda like a female 'package'."

I shrieked, "What?  So Mommy Pooped? God that's just so gross.  Thank you so much for this info.  I'm going to walk into my store now."


  1. Okay. So, now you're just freaking me out. So, Daddy's busy walking around with a load in his boxers and Mommy's gonna drop a uterus at a later date??

    I do believe your family is falling apart.

    Diapers for everyone!!

  2. Kathryn, what can I're right? Depends here we come!

    There is a book called Parts by Tedd Arnold that my daughter loves where the protagonist thinks he's falling apart. (I love it too!)

  3. I'm pretty sure that "Boobs! Panties!" was the official corporate slogan a few years back.

    As far as stuff falling down or falling out, we'll all just have to learn to deal. Droopage.

  4. Glad my conference call was on mute because Droopage got a burst of laughter. Thanks.