Monday, November 15, 2010

Day 15 - Something or Someone You Tried To Live Without, And Can't

"I wish I knew how to quit you!"

Smoking.

I started when I was 16 while working in a warehouse.  No break unless you smoke.  Once I was in the restaurant business it got a little out of hand. Over a pack a day.  When my wife and I first started dating, she didn't like it but didn't make a big deal of it.

Once we were living together, the rule was "no cigarettes before breakfast."  Fair enough.

As time went on, she began urging me to quit. I made the mistake of telling my mom this fact.  She, a smoker as well, said something along the lines of "no one will tell me I have to do something."  I then made a second mistake of telling my wife her reaction.  I know, I was still quite stupid when it came to relationships in my mid-twenties. 

I did eventually quit.  Gum and Patches don't work for me.  I had to go cold turkey.  It worked.  I quit for over a year.

I took a trip to New Jersey with my company and caved around a flock of smokers.  I started up for another few months at that point.  It was amazing, I smoked one cigarette and it was like I had never quit.  Full on cravings and like the previous period of non-smoking disappeared.

I hid this from my wife.  She found out the day we got married I'd started again.  Lemme just tell you, not a good time to jack with a woman!

See, she has no addiction issues.  She is incapable of seeing it from my perspective.  To her, I've said and become a non-smoker, therefore I am a non-smoker.  And going back on my word is on par with committing murder on the scale of evil things people can do. 

So I've hid it every time I've started again.  I do extra hand washings.  I make sure I'm not going to see her for at least an hour from time time of my last drag.  It's insane the amount of deception that goes into this horrible habit.  I have no clue how the super sensitive nose of a pregnant woman missed it, but she did. 

Worse is when I start back up, I hate myself.  It's just so hard to quit again.  And don't get me started on the weight gain!  Holy hell, I put on 20 to 30 pounds every time I quit.  I've now quit for an average of 6 months five times.  Every one of them restarted with just one...one damn it!

Yes, I realize if she reads this, she'll know, and maybe that's my passive way of confessing.  If not, my life will remain deceptively easier for the time.

3 comments:

  1. Okay. You have GOT to quit...for GOOD. You're putting yourself through all this crap...over and over again. Why would you want to do that to yourself? Is there a bit of a rebel in you...that maybe wants to be baaaad? I'm thinking there's a part of you that wants to see if you can pull the wool over her eyes. Am I right?

    I also quit cold turkey...and the only thing that got me through was the knowledge that I'd never have to quit again. YOU are torturing yourself...and you need to understand WHY.

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  2. I don't think I'm fulfilling a rebellious desire here. I never really quit for myself. It's always been because I need to or should or have to. I actually enjoy it at the time. I hate the repercussions...scratchy throat, guilt, etc.

    It's gotten beyond the point of ridiculous. I can think rationally about it, but can't seem to remain consistent with myself. I'll argue in my head all the way to the store. Not nearly as fun as you and Clinton have though.

    ReplyDelete
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