Saturday, October 23, 2010

Bring the Boobies Back

No this is not a post about the Susan G. Komen foundation.  Although what it is about has proven to reduce the risk of Breast Cancer.

My wife took our daughter to get her hair cut today.  I was staying behind with our 3 1/2 month old son.

I was to feed him his first bottle of pumped breast milk while she was gone.  He'd woken up right before they were leaving and was surely going to be hungry.  I changed his butt to make sure he had every reason to be happy going into this.

This is point of the story where most men will decided to never have children if they haven't already.

First introduction he thought it was a pacifier.  So he choked when milk squirted out.  This upset him, so he screamed for about 10 minutes.  I was in full on settle-baby-down mode.  Shushing, rocking, holding his feet and letting him hold my hands and all.

Once he settled, I gave it another shot and he started gagging and it sounded like he was aspirating some of the milk.  He is screaming at the top of his lungs and face is turning a shade similar to an eggplant.  So I grabbed the Boppy (a C shaped pillow women put around their waist that the baby lays on while they breast feed so mom isn't just holding them the whole time in their arms.) and laid him on it, simulating his normal feeding position. 

That just pissed him off more.  Time for another settle down break.  He yelled for a very long time, I was shushing at the top of my lungs (? doesn't seem like the right word, since it's really just your throat, oh well, it doesn't matter.).  In case you think that sounds absurd, shushing at the same volume they are yelling at is the only way they can hear it, which is actually soothing to babies...kinda mimicking the sounds en utero.

Another 10 minutes or so passes and he's calm enough that I tried the bottle again.  Nope, not even gonna have it!  He wailed.  I'd squirt milk in his mouth, he'd gag.  I'd shush and rock while. All I got in return was a beat red child with a "SCREW OFF OLD MAN" look in his eyes!

FINE I GIVE UP!  Forty minutes of this crap is enough!  I bounced him, held his feet and hands how he likes and again shushed until he settled again.  He passed out from what I assume is exhaustion.  He woke himself up a couple times with super deep sighs/whimpers (the kind you normally hear between giant sobs of a child).

I'd tortured my kid. I'm exhausted. 

My wife and daughter came home right after this and we got the little girl down for a nap and I passed off baby duty.

Things were very different for our daughter. 

She was born a month early, so she was 
given formula at the hospital.  
It took my wife weeks of pumping to actually 
get her to finally latch properly.  
So she had bottles from the start.  
After a month it was strictly breast 
feeding or pumped bottles.  

With our son, he had no problems 
latching and has never had to 
deal with the artificial nipple.  
Turns out he doesn't want it.

My wife gave it a shot when she sat down.  He resisted for a few minutes but eventually downed the whole bottle (3 ounces).  Guess he felt more comfortable with her than me.

I really think it is more of a "resistance to change" thing than a nipple confusion or whatever jack asses like to say.  Babies are just like little children and adults in that respect...or hell, even my cat freaks out with change.  This kid doesn't want to lose his booby time.  He is perfectly content to hang out at the milk bar as long as mom will allow.  Why should anything change?
Well kid, that's life.  And after Mom has her wisdom teeth removed next week, you're gonna either starve or let me feed you.  You hear?


  1. This hit us hard, too. No idea how stressful feeding issues can be for babies. Now it's the opposite: where did all the effing [insert favorite snack food] go?!?

  2. Aw...I keep forgetting that you guys don't come with the internal feeding bags strapped on. Oh, DING! There's an invention! Fake milk-filled breasts for the dads!

    Too much?

  3. Today didn't go nearly as horrible as I thought it might. He didn't fight the bottle too much (well, four out of five so far have been successes).

    And Kathryn, have you seen Meet the Fockers? Done and Done.