Monday, September 6, 2010

Junk Emails - You Know Me Too Well

Been on vacation for a few days and am going through my email.  Honestly, aside from some obvious spam and junk that got routed directly to my trash box, not much hit my Yahoo account over the weekend.

Between my friends Nicci and Alan's email forwards fell a bunch of crap.  (Yes, for the record, I edited some stuff you guys don't need to see/know about me....nor does my wife and my mother for that matter!)

Here's a screen shot.

I'm feeling lazy...let alone the sunburn making me slightly delirious, so I'm just going to take this one from the top.

Orchard Bank - Quick & Easy Prequalification.  Right, I deposit my own money into your bank and you give me access to it with higher interest rates than any legal credit card.  Sounds like a plan.  Please sign me up so you can be rich and I can pay a fortune to have a point raised on my credit score!

Senior People Meet - View Photos of 50 plus singles near you!  I'll admit, I didn't read who it was from at first.  50 or more singles are near me with wank mining photos!  Hooray for boobies!  When you open it expecting this and instead find a picture of an age progression photo of Margot Kidder; even a cougar fixation can't reignite your sad little rocket!

Spark People - This is for my 8-year-old.  Quit reminding me I'm fat and have no reason to be and more so a reason to NOT be!  Eff You!

E-Card Holiday Reminder - Rosh Hashana is Thursday.  Huh, guess, I could send all my dead relatives cards...oh yeah guess the whole Holocaust thing wiped them out. There's always my new cousin by marriage (married my wife's cousin a couple days ago!).  I'm sure her relatives would appreciate some form of recognition...after all we've guilted our way back into the gene pool enough times we're all first cousins, right?  

Leap Frog - Sale on Kid's Books.  See, even Google's salesmen keep up on my Facebook page. 

Twitter - New Apps.  Good god, how many ways do I have to keep projecting myself before people love me?

Dell Direct - Labor Day Sale.  Can't you people just leave me alone.  I quit you for a reason.  Why must you rub salt in my wounds?

MTV - Download Jersey Shore.  Scratch that whole knowing me thing.  Eff you MTV for making idiots famous for being ABSOLUTELY NOTING OF VALUE ASIDE FROM POTENTIAL URINAL CAKES.

Godiva Rewards - Friends & Family 20% off.  OK, maybe you do know me...and my friends and family!  Chocolate is KING!

iTunes - New Stuff.  Damn you Apple, way to ruin a good thing with my chocolate high.  Just can't get away from you guys!

Funny or Die - Sean Penn & Zach Galifianakis.  That's a combination I could live without.  Then again, rarely steers me the wrong way.  (Shakes fist at image of Will Farrell)

John DeCock from Clean Water Action - Gulf Oil Spill.  Just an unfortunate name sir.  I'm surprised my spam filter even let you slip by.  I'll have to check its settings now.  Thanks, ass.  

Groupon - 60% off Helicopter Lessons!  OMG, my prayers to Dionysus have been answered!  Teach a man to fly, he'll be drunk and dead within a week!

Netflix - Received Clash of the Titans.  Yay, now send me a new movie biaches! Seriously, I liked this version, but the original had a mechanical owl that I loved.  You gave it barely a cheap shot and can screw off for it!

Kay Jewelers - 25% off Store Wide.  Ah hell!  Our anniversary is this week!  Thanks for the suggestion.  Guess I can at least save a buck or two on the gift, right?

ADT - Home Security System.  Well, they didn't rob us while on vacation even though I went against my wife's specific instructions NOT to post anything on Facebook or Twitter about being out of town.  Me being reckless with my family : 1, ADT's Guilt Trip: 0. - Dream to act like a Porn Director?  I thought you'd never ask.  Give me a lens, ram on!

101X Alternative Radio Station - Captain Morgan Song of the Day.  You had me at Spiced Rum Prize!

Uptown Dance - Salsa Tonight, Bachata Tomorrow.  Sounds about right for my northern friends.  Spicy now, vomitus the pukey monster later!  Though the bachata images are H-O-T!

AskMen.Com - Win the Ultimate Man's Prize Pack.  What do I get a hooker, a lifetime annual salary of a million dollars and a new car ever month?  Sign my ass up!

Huffington Post - Friday Daily Brief.  Unless you're announcing me as the winner of Ask Men's Contest, you're dead to me!

Fandango Fanmail - Breaking Dawn adds new cast member.  As gay as it might sound...Duh!  *Spoiler Alert!* There are dozens of new characters in the book, of course they're going to add new cast members!

Myspace - Someone has sent you a new message.  People still use Myspace?

tajul karim - perscription isn't needed. safe secure service.  Yeah, this isn't suspicious or anything!

Harrah's Entertainment Las Vegas - Book Pulse Vegas Room Packages.  Now this is marketing I can live with!!!  Sign me up...oh wait, I'm married with children.  Eff my life.

Member Alert - Test and Keep a Laptop!  Hmm, sounds familiar.  Type your account number and PIN into the touch screen to receive free gifts!  How dumb do they think people are?

The Viagra ads and Diaper discounts didn't fit on the page.  Hmmm, that sounds like a combination just waiting for the retirement home community's TV!

Alright, I admit, this was the lazy blog approach.  Blow me, I'm just back from vacation.  This was as much as I could muster.  Hope you had a Happy Labor Day!  Welcome back to work!

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