Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A Spider Monkey Fondled My Nuts Today

I had to go in for a physical today.  I've been going to the same doc for six years or so.  He's a really nice guy, he's just short and petite by my comparison.  I'm guessing around 5' 7" and maybe a buck twenty.  So after the nurse left me in the room by myself for 15 minutes or so he stopped in.  I hadn't actually seen him in a couple years.  Just PA or nurse visits if anything came up. Today was by far the most surreal moment, involving a doctor, I've had outside of my wife giving birth. 

So we are chatting while he looks over my chart and we discuss my medications and whatnot.  With quick movements he's suddenly on my left side squeezing the air from the blood pressure cuff.  It was higher than normal (never has been before) when the nurse checked me over, so he was redoing it.  He was done and without missing a beat he had the little light magnifier in his hands and was looking at my left ear, mouth, nose, right ear all while chattering away.  I suddenly felt like a AKC Eukanuba Contender.  I'm thinking Golden Retriever but others might say Bull Mastiff if they didn't have to look me in the eye.

So he put the light thingy up and was back around me listening to my chest with a quickness that made me a little jittery.  I'm taking breaths and suddenly he's behind me with his hands around my throat feeling my lymph nodes.  I'm not usually an anxious or nervous man but I was really uncomfortable by this point.  I don't even know what it was except that he moved like a spider monkey or one of those little shoe elves from fairy tales.  Just had me off my guard.  He asked me to lie back and felt around my stomach. 

When he asked me to lower my pants, I knew it was coming, but he beat around the bush for a minute.  I'm thinking, come on you're a doctor, just ask me to drop trough.  So when he did the hands to the knees thing to describe how low, I was back to being weirded out.  I actually asked him once they were down if he wanted my underwear too.  He'd been that vague and I wasn't about to expose myself if it wasn't necessary. 

He did his thing and found no lumps and had me cough and what not.  All the while I'm literally staring into the corner but my vision is so unfocused I'm not even really making out shapes.  I sure shit wasn't making eye contact at this point.  That's when he asked if we had any kids yet.  I told him we had a 19 month old daughter and our son was due in a month.  (I finally looked down and my poor pathetic limp noodle was hanging out on top of his hand as he rolled his thumb across my sack.)  He remarked, "Well then I guess there's no erectile problems."  I laughed nervously and said no.  Why when he's out would you ask that question?

He told me to pull them back up and take off my shirt so he could look at my back.  He did his evaluation and then needed to look at my chest.  He called it a trunk.  This combined with his description of a couple moles having stalks made me want to say "hey doc, I'm a man, not a plant."  But apparently his earlier exploration left him thinking I'm a less advanced life form.  The awkward maneuver to turn as he crossed to my other side was just another unnerving moments that frankly were becoming more natural as this visit progressed. 

He was done and asked me if I wanted him to remove the moles/skin tag thingies we talked about.  I'm thinking, on the same dime as this horrific visit...ABSOLUTELY!  So he has his nurse bring in a syringe and some sterile scissors and tweezers.  He comes back in and says, I'm sorry, since they're right on your collar line, I'm going to need you to take your shirt off again.  Oh, so now he thinks I have an ounce of modesty left?  I am sitting there without my shirt when he leaves the room for something with the door wide open.  I guess he knows my modesty is gone after all.

So he was looking at one and says are you ready?  Sure.  He jerks it clean off.  I wasn't expecting that given the obvious numbing agent contained in that giant needle on the counter.  He then starts talking about the bigger one along my hairline and says "if you were really brave, you'd do this on your own."  I said "kinda like pulling your own tooth?"  He laughed and went to behind me.  I spun so quick I about got a needle in the eye as I was asking if he was going to jerk that one out too.  He reminded me I'm a plant and it has a bigger stalk, so no. 

Then he stuck me in the neck.  I'm not going to lie, it burned but then it was numb and he was snipping with one of the sterile scissors.  The sensation of numbed tugging combined with the snip snip sound of shears rolled my stomach more than a little.  He began asking me if I'm going to faint.  No. Sweat profusely? Yes!

I asked him if he'd take the one off the back of my knee too.  He said sure and once again I was pantsless in his office.  This time he asked me to grab the table...Houston, we have a problem.  As he numbs it, he's squatting on the floor between my legs.  Embarrassment couldn't even materialize at this point.  He pointed out that standing isn't the usual recommended position as I could faint and break my neck.  Again with the fainting?  Are you just wanting me to pass the fuck out?  Get this over with! 

He's explaining that because of the size of the last one he'll have to send it off for biopsy to make sure it's benign.  We were also talking about college scholarships for his daughters and in mid sentence...poof, he was gone.  Just disappeared from between my legs out the door.  I dressed, feeling a little dirty and used and went to find a nurse to check out.  He obviously didn't care for my suggestions about his kid's futures.  Not surprising after all, he sized me up and decided I'm hardly a step above a philodendron

Seriously, not my normal routine with this guy.  I'm not sure I want to go back though, too jumpy AND I have 3 open wounds on my body...one of which left a ton of blood stains on the back of my pants!  Am I overreacting?  Should I have just taken a shot before the visit knowing what I was getting myself into? 

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