Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Bring a Grown Man to His Knees

What's one way to bring a grown man to his knees?  Mix up a wicked cocktail of one part Business Trip and three parts Nature.  Shake and serve hot and muggy!

I drove out to Del Rio, TX today.  It's on the Texas/Mexico border about 3 hours due west of San Antonio.  This was my first trip out there since they expanded my territory last year.  It's a prettier part of the state than some, but in all, I would have been bored out of my mind had I not conned a coworker buddy from another territory to tag along.

While he worked with the new manager on some much needed training, I ventured down the road to inspect the equipment on their overflow lot.  I had some serious issues traipsing around this field. 

First problem were these insanely vicious grass seeds.  I know, how is a plant vicious?  They are much more violent than you might initially think.  And no, before it crosses your mind, I'm not going to start a rant about why we should burn nature down for our own protection.  Cactus = Evil.  Ever had a sticker burr (for give the country speak there, but I don't know what else to call them.) get stuck to your sock?  Enjoy the glory that is calamine lotion coated poison ivy rash?  Pretty sure Socrates would back me up about the vile effer Hemlock.  Sadly I discovered a new attack plant today and have no name for it.  These vicious grass seeds were felt like shards of glass coating my feet.  They were super thin so they could slip into minute crevices in my tennis shoes.  At the end of the seed were what appeared to be dozens of micro burrs at the end.  Pure hell.  But I'm not really that big of a wimp, so I'd just whine to myself as I removed them every 20 minutes or so. 

Second was the snake.  I haven't seen a rattle snake since I was a kid.  I don't have Indiana  Jones' issues, but they aren't exactly something I flock toward either.  This thing was HUGE.  This thing was 20 feet in in front of me.  I screamed more than a little as I approached a buried piece of towing he was chillin' by.  He look me dead in the eyes but I didn't hear a rattle.  I don't know how fast these things can move, but sure as hell wasn't going to test any funny moves.  I sure shit wasn't going to verify if I was in fact staring at a rattler or not.  I took off backward toward the other side of the field where the rest of the crap was parked.  I stepped into the back of one truck and tucked my jeans into my burr covered shoes as I tried to pull it together. I'm not letting a damn reptile blow a 4 hour drive out here by being a weeny. 

So I approached the remaining trucks with extreme trepidation.  Seriously, if there was grass above my shoe on the driver's side, I entered in on the passenger side.  This is when number three hit me.  Now I've made some disparaging comments about rodents before.  So maybe I brought the karma down on myself.  And just this weekend my Brother-in-law was showing my daughter this lovely book of common things.  You know, CAR, HOUSE, PUPPY, BOTTLE, BUNNY, BABY, HOLY HELL THAT'S A SCARY BUNNY!
 Really? This is the image they chose for bunny?  That's a friggin' vampire rabbit!

As I approached the passenger side of the truck because I was too chicken to open the driver side for fear of another encounter with a hidden rattle snake, a giant Jack Rabbit leaped out from under the front bumper and bounded across the field.  I tumbled backward, hit the step rail for the truck, twisted around and landed on my hands and knees in the gravel.  Have you ever seen a Jack Rabbit? 
These things are hip high from foot to ear.  Honestly, I cannot believe I didn't keel over there with a heart attack.  I packed up my stuff, jumped in the Explorer and high tailed it back to civilization.  Or at least what a border town next to an Air Force Base calls civilization. 

While there are a couple other great stories from this trip that I might share, this experience has ensured my store in Del Rio that I will not be back to bother them in at least another year.  EFF this crap!

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