Friday, May 28, 2010

RIP Gary Coleman


Diff'rent Strokes never really jived with me as a kid.  Creepy, single, rich, old white guy and a tarty, ditzy, blonde daughter bringing in two black orphans to live in their mansion with a maid.  Hmmm, still not really working today.  Never mind the problems with all three kids post-fame.  Every show was just a build up to get the catch phrase on air.

So Gary was a trip as an adult.  If you missed him on one of his many reality show stints, you're not really the slacker I thought you were.  I was listening to him on Howard Stern a couple months ago.  He admitted with out directly saying that he was a virgin.  If you didn't know this fact, I'll give you a moment to let that sink in.

OK, times up.  This guy is 42 and still a virgin.  This guy was famous and still a virgin.  SOMETHING had to be wrong.  I'm not going spend too much time contemplating a midget's wang issues.  I'm pretty sure he's even been married a couple times.  So who knows?

So as I read the blurb tonight I asked my wife if she knew.

Me: Gary Coleman died today!
Wife: Yeah, Noel posted something on Facebook about it.
Me: Wow, he was only 42.
Wife: Did it say what happened?
Me: Not sure, but he died a virgin.
Wife: What's a virgin?
Me: (patting her leg, speaking in a patronizing tone) I know it's been a while, but...
Wife: What?
Me: Really?
Wife: OH, you said A VIRGIN!
Me: Yeah, you did too!
Wife: No I heard you say "of urgen."
Me: I did not.
Wife: Your enunciation sucks.
Me: I thought you'd lost it.  You even repeated "a virgin" back to me.
Wife: Your hearing suck too.
Me: Whatchu Talkin' Bout Willis?

R.I.P Gary Coleman.  You're insanity will be missed on reality show recaps. 

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