Saturday, May 1, 2010

Nose Hairs and Tweezer Torture

As a red head one might expect the rest of the hair on my body to be red, right?  Those of you who are still confused about the whole Lindsey Lohan "fire crotch" drama a few years back are in for a real eye opener here! For most red heads, yes the curtains match the drapes!  Though few people seem to freak out about the fact that it works the same for natural blonds.  I've been with a few and know first hand!

Well, like most non-equator-dwellers, not all the hair on my body follows suit.  My "peach fuzz" is very blond including most of my friggin' nose hairs.  I say most, cause the ones right up front are as dark red as my facial hair...they go away quite frequently.  The ones who reside farther back in my nostrils are pale, wanna be albino, white!  It literally looks like I've got a bat in the cave when the suns out.  In case you're not seeing where I'm going here, I'll spell it out for you.  White nose hairs in the sun look like boogers!  I had someone point it out the other day only for them to not believe me when I double checked and it was in fact a white as a ghost nose hair chillin' out in the shadows. Nearly brought a tear to my eye when I plucked it. 

I'm going to rate plucking hair (nose or otherwise) up there as one of the most sever tortures people are commonly subjected too.  Robin Thicke and The Hills are probably the two that could top it.  Seriously, I'm brought to tears every time I pluck a nose hair. 

So tonight I subjected myself to plucking my own eyebrows.  Before you say it, yes it's gay and frankly I don't care because I'm a hairy beast with a blond uni-brow otherwise.  I don't get huge bushy eyebrows or anything, but I certainly don't have naturally perfectly contained ones either.  My old boss is one of those people who has great hair and eyebrows with ZERO effort...and it sickens me.  Frankly he already thinks of himself as a god, why the hell should he just have everything else so easy? 

My wife used to pluck them for me every few months and it was torture but she loved it and I didn't complain about the fact that she'd straddle me to get 'er done!  Since she's pregnant, I've gone unkempt for the better part of a year.  I'm writing this 3/4 through the horrific process.  My right eye is completely finished and throbbing red and teary.  My left is not cooperating, a) because my right hand is awkwardly positioned over my left eye...I'm plucking and getting nothing half the time.  b) I'm in an eff load of pain at this point. And c) the beer has run out leaving my liquid courage a little dry. 

Men, groom your shit!  Women, help your men out and most importantly, reward them when a change/torture turns out right!

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