Monday, May 31, 2010

Jury Duty - In the Lobby

I was called for jury duty for the second time since we've lived in Texas. I served about 5 years ago on a jury for a $3 million lawsuit. I'll talk about that on a later date so sorry to get any hopes up.

Before the voir dire they let us all sweat it out in the lobby. We chill until they take role call to make sure everyone was there on time. Amazingly they were. Two extras even showed up! They apparently didn't check their email that said their assignment was swapped to another court. That was my first sign that things would go as I wanted it. Funny, that logic didn't apply to the sad few actually selected to serve.

While waiting there is near State Fair or Wal-Mart style people watching. There were a couple of crazy ladies who I assume were from another jury pool being reassigned or something. They were sitting across from me chatting outside of another courtroom on this floor of the building. I supposed they'd been talking for awhile because they had become very comfortable with one another and their surroundings. They were openly discussing their stance on gay marriage and Arizona's immigration laws. Let's just say that when you use derogatory slang to justify your stance, you need to shut your mouth. Who knows, they may have actually known each other outside of jury duty, you know from a local Baptist church. Cause given Austin's extreme liberal swing, you typically don't hear racist conservatives touting their views in public. Probably why they were not in that voir dire any longer.

Out of my courtroom an 8 month pregnant lady was in and out a couple times and later joined up with a crazy hippie who was scolded by the bailiff earlier for trying to go to the bathroom. As they passed, he mentioned her impending due date and she remarked "he didn't even know we were pregnant before the accident." HOLY HELL, I thought! I can't sit on a jury and look at a pregnant widow victim. More so, I immediately knew who the defendant would have been. This hooker dressed for prom and her thug boyfriend walked out of the courtroom just before prego appeared. Seriously, she had a chiffon black dress that didn't really cover her panties that showed off the girls in all their glory. Her 6" platform heels were leopard....leopard to a court appearance? The weave with giant curls was a straight up prom doo. Thinking about it, it is prom season, maybe she just multitasked that $200 salon visit. I couldn't imagine trying to play these two parties against each other without a bias. Luckily I didn't have too. This was not my case.

So before you go in to meet the players we all had to fill out a document stating how we wanted to be paid for jury duty. Yes, they actually pay for jury duty and it's a lot more than I'd imagined. People told me the first go round that I'd get $5 a day and was floored. Apparently, though just before I served, they changed the pay. Still pathetic, but assuming you still get your salary, it's not entirely ridiculous.
Here is where I had to evaluate my character. Do you want to donate your jury pay or do you want to receive your payment? WHAT? I know it's a civic duty and people don't think you should be paid for doing so. So, should I be a better person or should I pocket the cash because I was inconvenienced? This is a moment of truth scene. No one is looking. It's between you and the county court system. Do you do the right thing or the take the selfish road?
I'm a bad person. Blow me! I was happy to see that the charities they offer are actually ones I'd be willing to give to should I have done the right thing. Dang, probably gonna have a Jiminy Cricket conscious before the end of the year and actually give to them. Probably isn't absolute though...

Friday, May 28, 2010

RIP Gary Coleman


Diff'rent Strokes never really jived with me as a kid.  Creepy, single, rich, old white guy and a tarty, ditzy, blonde daughter bringing in two black orphans to live in their mansion with a maid.  Hmmm, still not really working today.  Never mind the problems with all three kids post-fame.  Every show was just a build up to get the catch phrase on air.

So Gary was a trip as an adult.  If you missed him on one of his many reality show stints, you're not really the slacker I thought you were.  I was listening to him on Howard Stern a couple months ago.  He admitted with out directly saying that he was a virgin.  If you didn't know this fact, I'll give you a moment to let that sink in.

OK, times up.  This guy is 42 and still a virgin.  This guy was famous and still a virgin.  SOMETHING had to be wrong.  I'm not going spend too much time contemplating a midget's wang issues.  I'm pretty sure he's even been married a couple times.  So who knows?

So as I read the blurb tonight I asked my wife if she knew.

Me: Gary Coleman died today!
Wife: Yeah, Noel posted something on Facebook about it.
Me: Wow, he was only 42.
Wife: Did it say what happened?
Me: Not sure, but he died a virgin.
Wife: What's a virgin?
Me: (patting her leg, speaking in a patronizing tone) I know it's been a while, but...
Wife: What?
Me: Really?
Wife: OH, you said A VIRGIN!
Me: Yeah, you did too!
Wife: No I heard you say "of urgen."
Me: I did not.
Wife: Your enunciation sucks.
Me: I thought you'd lost it.  You even repeated "a virgin" back to me.
Wife: Your hearing suck too.
Me: Whatchu Talkin' Bout Willis?

R.I.P Gary Coleman.  You're insanity will be missed on reality show recaps. 

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Dramatization Disclaimers

We've all seen disclaimers in commercials listed on the bottom of screen.  Diet pills claiming massive weight loss yet disclaiming that the results are not typical.  The medical disclaimers for pharmaceuticals are hilarious when you consider that the condition they are treating is typically a side effect of the drug.  My favorite might be the beginning of Southpark, but that's not really a commercial, so I'll get back to my loose point. 

During ADT and OnStar commercials they have the word DRAMATIZATION on the bottom of the screen during their "reenactments." I assume it's so they don't get sued for traumatizing an unsuspecting whack job watching CSI when it aired.

Today I saw one for a new Nicorette product. It's a guy sitting on a dock craving a cigarette. A shark leaps from the water and starts eating his arm. He just keeps thinking about a cigarette. Once he pops one of these things in his mouth his craving ceases and he notices the shark and panics. He stands up and starts flailing around. He even starts punching it in the face to free himself.

At the bottom of the screen it reads: Dramatization, craving relief in 5 minutes.

I really wanted to embed the video
but I seem to have lost that functionality
with the Bloggers new editor....
along with my spell check option.

Really? This is the part of the commercial that's unrealistic or needed explanation?  Because naturally, I understood not taking the pill made me impervious to sharks.  Also, shark bites involve zero blood and you can carry one around like a hand bag.  Thanks for clearing up that craziness about the cravings though, I really did think my brain could be shut off like a switch. 

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Simon Didn't Say!

I HATE YOU WINDOWS!  I HATE YOU MICROSOFT!  WHY WOULD YOU MAKE IT SO EASY TO DELETE AN ENTIRE PAGE OF WORDS WITH ONE SIMPLE CLICK?  Apparently I clicked paste instead of copy.  Either that or the question of whether this website can access your clipboard that I apparently selected no was the culprit.  Since Blogger no longer has a spell check, I was throwing this entry into Word.  Turns out Blogger does an auto save as soon as you type ANYTHING!  So, fuck you Blogger!  Fuck you Bill Gates. 
How ironic is it though that I was blogging about an Apple product?  Maybe this sabotage was truly malicious rather than just wine-buzzed-fat-fingering!

Let's see how much i remember:

I was late coming into the Apple iPhone fold.  We didn't purchase our iPhones until October last year.  We hadn't even gone in for them, but the hype and gorgeous touch screen lured us in like a redneck to Branson.  Little did we know that once you're walking down this road with your salesman, he'd knock you over the back of the head and rape you til you bleed!

Seriously! 
WHAT THE FUCK? 
I accidentally erased an entire paragraph
with a slip of my thumb
and replaced it with a capital T. 
Where is the edit undo button? 
Why can't I remember the control function for it? 
Damn it, Damn it, Damn it!
Just Breathe...

These turned out to be the best time wasting investment I've ever made!  I am happy to report that in 9 months I've only purchased two apps.  The first was Words With Friends.  I seriously had a problem for a while.  The app broke and made me forfeit all of my games a couple months ago.  I haven't deleted it and reinstalled it yet.  I also purchased Where's Waldo for my wife on her birthday.  I know I'm a great husband!  And yes I got her other things too!

So you remember Simon?  That electronic game with lights, colors and sounds that you had to memorize and mimic?  I downloaded a free app that was just like the game. 

It was fun.  About a month ago I noticed an update that changed the name, look and game play.  Really?

Did they infringe on Simon's copyright?  Does Simon's copyright still have any sway?  Isn't there a statute of limitations on things like this?  It's over 30 years old now.  Plus, I see stuff in stores that are direct rip offs all the time. 

What kind of sway does Milton Bradley have?  Probably a direct line to Santa or something.  The folks at Category 5 Games obviously know better than to mess with the big guy!  Oh yeah, the new version doesn't suck, it's just not Simon anymore. 

Monday, May 24, 2010

Noah was a Dick

The mosquito has to be THE most worthless creature.  It does nothing positive in the world.  They just multiply into more and more blood suckers who leave itchy whelps and ruin the outdoors.  Hmmm, pretty much the same concept as the homeless, wonder if there's a Deet for that?

I think even a bible thumper would agree with me and my title in this regard.  Assuming the whole two by two story were true, like everything else in the great book of course.  Noah was a major jerk for not just swatting at least one of these pieces of crap.  So, thanks for the whole saving humanity thing, but you're still a dick!
I can honestly say, aside from the "thinning of the herd" benefit, there is zero good that comes from these.  I'm not sure if West Nile virus nor Malaria will kill you.  Probably would, but still.  Pretty sure this task can be taken care of in much less annoying ways like guns, drunk drivers, AIDS and emo music. I KEED, I KEED!

I tried spraying my lawn with Off.  Yes, I know the key ingredient is Deet and I also know how bad it is for the environment and living creatures.  Do I care? No!  If I can't use my back yard, why should I care about the things that live in it?  And it is no shocking revelation that I'm selfish.  I just usually don't take everyone else down to satisfy myself.  For this, I needed my wife's goading.  She made me buy the stuff. Can I sit here and brag that it worked?  Hell no!  I applied it at night so I hadn't noticed the part that sucks the poison up into the water stream had become dislodged.  I literally spent an hour getting wet and eaten alive for naught.

Mosquitoes: 1 Human: -10

 Oh, wait, I do know something I like about mosquitoes!  
 And that's still a stretch!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Water is Free Right?

I've talked about refilling my own water dispenser before.  This is seriously one of the best investments (at least appliance wise) I've made for our home.   Tonight while I was refilling them at the local grocery store's machine I noticed the irony of the Aquifina machine sitting next to it.  
Here are a close up of the prices and quantities.  
Note that the $0.35/gallon in going into my 
containers comes to $1.75 for all five gallons.  
That little 20 oz. bottle of water is $1.25.  

Realistically, you'd never even carry around gallon, so convenience factor to make this work you'd need a personal container.  Seriously they're sold everywhere...you could even reuse an old water bottle.  Plastic, glass or metal, they can even coordinate to your outfit if you so desire.  That of course hearkens back to the time when carrying around a bottle of water was a status symbol...probably same time that a Starbucks cup made you feel cool.

Just remember strictly by these figures you're paying nearly 5 times the amount for your water in the little bottle that will sit in a landfill til your great great great grandchildren die.  Need me to do the math?  1 gallon is 128 ounces.  At 35 cents a pop it's under 4 cents per ounce.  That 20 oz bottle at a dollar and a quarter is 16 cents an ounce.  That's not even the cheapest Glacier machine around (about three miles away another grocery store has $0.30/gallon) nor is it the most expensive bottled water (god help you if your water is shipped from Fiji, France or hell Bling H2O for that matter).  Seriously, check it out, it's a $40 to $60 for a bottle!

I'm not even that big of a penny pincher nor am I any kind of big environmentalist, but these are things I wish folks would really think about every once in a great while. 

Friday, May 21, 2010

Whoa!

The corporate world is never stagnate nor stable.  Someone is always going up as someone is leaving while someone else is coming in.  Frankly, that's just how it is and if you're looking to maintain a status quo, you should look into entrepreneurship.  It does not diminish the magnitude of  change.  It just requires a level of adaptability that only a volatile combination apathy and fear can provide.

My old boss (realigning of the business changed, not necessarily my position) was fired this morning.  He was unbelievably lazy and ineffective at 90% of his job.  He had his inspired moments and some feats of strength, but 10 years with the company had eradicated any real charisma for the job. So this goes to say that his getting fired was unexpected at this exact moment but not a surprise ultimately.

The VP of the company came in last week to do their annual review of the region and this district has made serious positive improvements.  No joke, leaps and bounds above past performance.  The VP said, while you've more than doubled your figures, you need to stop comparing yourself to your own prior performance.  You need to look at the other districts and try to match them.  He pointed out that another city's lowest performer in sales is well over our highest performer. 

Without going into any cumbersome detail, this concept is valid on paper, but not in practice.  While the VP has a point, and this guy sucked ultimately, I feel he was unfairly tried.  The idea that you can take dog shit and turn it into a marketable product with a return on investment should actually be a reward-able feat.  While the districts they've compared him to, have actually had little to no improvement over the last two years; but their stellar performance outweighs any good enacted locally. 

Sucks, because he needed to go, just not for this reason.  Now it's put everyone on edge, because we have to pick up the pace or else be on the chopping block as well.  I so need to go back to school and get my Teaching Certificate so I can just leave the corporate world altogether.  Wish me luck!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Identigene, When Two Baby Daddys Become a Legitimate Reality

I just saw a touching commercial that has a touching scene with a guy and his family.  Baby on the shoulders, wife at his side, you know a tender moment.  Insert, AWW!

Just before it the family man was taking a serious look at a box.  It turns out this box is for a product called Identigene.  Home DNA testing available from the local pharmacy.  AND SCENE, CUT TO FAMILY. Basically this is a commercial touting the joys of children while saying, "as long as he's yours." Dizamn!

Tag line is "Because Identity is Everything."  Purity in advertizing, I guess it's important when your product results are completely conflicted. 
For those of you interested, here is a website that tells you all about it.  Go 'head, clear up that bastard's mystery. 

For those of you who don't want to waste your money, check this video.  Apparently, if you come up with conflicting results after "collecting your samples," they'll tell you there must have been another male donor.  Cause it's so easy for you to mistake yourself for another rogue appendage. 

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Betty White is a Whore

Betty White is one of the greatest personalities my generation latched on to that frankly is flabbergasting when you take a step back and actually think about it.  I found her on the Golden Girls.  I'm sure I saw some during the current run of the series but I guarantee like most of her current fans, I watched reruns of it in college.  She's done many really funny roles in movies but my favorite still is her in Lake Placid as she's enticing the alligator to eat the sheriff.  So the day before Mother's Day she (and Lorne) answered the pleas of many a Facebook fan and had her host Saturday Night Live. 

I loved the show.  I loved every awkward moment where she didn't really seem to keep up with the rest of the cast or just looked to sweet to be saying/doing the things she plainly was.  It was a night where the writers pulled no punches and I really appreciated it.  If you missed it, Mashable has compiled the best for you.

So enough praise for the ever enjoyable Betty White.  The title of this post was purely for shock and has nothing to do with anything besides my showing her the respect she so rightfully deserves. 

What did suck about the episode was that my non-plasma/HD, standard format TV cut out everyone on the left and right side of the screen.  So when the female alums of SNL were doing their plug for their part in the episode, Ana Gasteyer was completely cut from frame.  Where I believe heads should have rolled is during one of my favorite Weekend Updates of the season.  Maya Rudolph was freaking hilarious.  But I was really excited (yes I'm a loser for getting excited about SNL at age 30, well any age for that matter, but hey I am writing an entire blog post about it so screw off) that Amy Poehler and Tina Fey were back on board. 

When they brought Tina out to join Amy and Seth, well frankly, Tina should have shot a camera man that night. 
Here's what I saw:
 Really!?!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

K2, Not Just a Mountain Anymore

Every night for a week a local news station plugged a story about a deadly new street drug all the kids are doing that is landing them in deaths arms at the local ER.

My interest was peaked, but apparently not enough to tune into the news what ever night they were airing it.  Too much build up and in the end I had no clue what day it was even airing.  The promos showed kids smoking stuff from a pipe and then clipped to a bloody close up in the emergency room. 

So I've finally found it.  It's called K2.  Sucks to be a mountain with a crappy name, now it's a mountain with a drug named after it.  What a freaking let down. 
The sensationalized reporting made it seem like teens were walking into the local grocery store stuffing crap into a hash pipe and getting stoned.  Somewhere along the way their insides explode and they are rushed to the hospital. 

Turns out it is a marijuana experiment that tested the cannabis reaction in the nerves that's somehow found it's way to modern opportunistic hands.  The test subject from the 90's was apparently a herbal mixture sprayed with a "psychotropic" drug.  I'll break that down into simpler terms: they took Basil and Prozac and combined it and now some jack ass is selling it online. 

The kid (note the singular) who was the ultimate snitch divulged the seedy under belly of high school wannabe druggies to his ER doc should be beat senseless.  As the doctor probed, she found that even the "non-druggy" kids were doing this drug!  If they'll do this, cocaine is just a cheap hooker's thigh away! 

Bottom line, some kid got sick and threw up.  Mom rushed little innocent Billy who was of course under the bad influence of that Snedecker kid to the ER.  The doc on top of her game wasn't about to let this opportunity to interrogate a child and uncover her true passion as a wannabe DEA agent.  Gawd I hate local news as much as I do the 24 Hour "News" Stations.

By the way, when I was searching for images of the actual mountain K2, I did find a beautiful frosty mary jane plant by the same name.  Do you think someone's purposely confused the three?

Monday, May 17, 2010

I've Missed Blogging

Hello my name is Dorn and I'm a blogger.  It's been 12 days since my last blog.

So I didn't realize this little thing had become a habit for me.  Apparently though my lovely wife had noticed an absence. In all reality, I use this as an escape.  So yes, maybe I don't notice how long I'm in the office versus playing family man.  I also didn't realize that it could be used as punishment.

The honey do list had gotten quite extensive lately.  My wife snapped one evening, twelve days ago to be exact.  She tripped over the baby gate that my daughter and one of her fellow toddler friends had successfully ripped out of the wall (two months ago). 

Wife: "That's it! You cannot blog or read a blog until you've fixed this gate and do all of the other projects on the to do list!"
Me: "But..."
Wife: "No BUT!  Gate, Crib, Mosquitos (I'll explain this one in it's own blog), Pictures, Bookshelf, Garage, everything. Do you hear me?"
Me (sheepishly): "Yes Baby."

So here we are.  I'm almost done and have sneaked in for a reprieve from my banishment.  The remaining items are minor and frankly are going to take much more time than she gave me credit for.  She has however been very grateful for all the effort and accomplishment. So two things: First, blogging now has to be done with respect to the rest of my family.  As it should be, but sometimes you need a reality check to make you see what you're missing! Second: spending so much time with the family gives me incredible fodder for this little habit!

I have so much I want to put out there.  I wanted to chime in about Betty White and the best SNL episode I'd seen in years.  Our Mother's Day Picnic Fiasco!  Battling Mosquitoes in sultry Texas, Jury Duty and more!  I'm excited to spill my guts to the few of you who grace me with your presence. 

So when I was searching for a 
funny AA cartoon to post here 
I found this gem:
 Seriously people: think, think, think!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

When There Are Only Two of You: YOU ARE YOU!

Maybe we use pronouns too much.  Then again, it would weird me out if someone kept using my first name repeatedly in a conversation.  Kinda like they'd just read a negotiation book or something.  It is after all our favorite word to hear!

Crawling into bed the other night, I placed my warm hand on my wife's frozen thigh. 

Me: Wow, you're cold
She: Who is?
Me: You're the only "you" in the room.
She: Well I didn't know.
Me: Honey, if I start talking to myself in second person you should be afraid.
She: You could have been talking to your penis!
Me: I don't talk to him in front of you.
She: So you admit you talk to him.
Me: No I didn't, I just wouldn't do it in front of you if I did!
She: You said don't, not wouldn't.
Me: Whatever, besides he does all my thinking for me, I don't necessarily have to talk to him.
She: That's for sure.
Me: Did I tell you he looked exceptional today?
She: Huh?
Me: The mirror in the convenience store was oddly placed right next to the urinal.
She: OK?
Me: So I don't usually get to see myself pee.
She: You never look down?
Me: I mean, not from another person's perspective.
She: I think that's enough sharing for the night.
Me: K, g'nite.

Gotsta keep her on her toes!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Bradley Brith Classes

We wrapped up week 10 of 12 last night.  Completely natural child birth is not something you just happen upon.  While women's bodies are designed for it and it's been happening for millennia, it's still like preparing for a marathon.  Proper training and education is required. 

Two pluses for Bradley: 1.) They are very focused on the husband/coach-mother relationship.  2.) They are very focused on nutrition and exercise to prepare for labor and prevent complications. 

Two big negatives for Bradley:  1.) Major indoctrination and fear mongering against all modern medicine.  2.) Their courses and accompanying visual aides are extremely out of date.
I'll talk again about the fear mongering and some of the wacky 70's videos next week after class eleven.  Right now though I want to note some interesting/irritating things about the particular class we are a part of. 

This is our teacher's second course...ever.  She delivered a little boy 19 months ago via (pseudo successfully) Bradley Method.  She was reluctant to share her own birth story because it didn't go entirely as planned which sends negative vibes to this crew of women who need all the positive reinforcement of their abilities right now.  This didn't surprise me, but I think it lowers her credibility a bit.  But she's killing me.  She reads verbatim out of the book half the class.  We still have a very open Q&A time and in general, she's fairly knowledgeable. She does have us practice relaxation techniques at the end of each class.  I just think we'd do better studying on our own and having more practical training during class time with general conversation/Q&A instead of being read too. 

The course is at her home and started out with us and three other couples.  Mid way through another couple with jacked up schedules are trying to pick up on some of the ones they missed.  Another mystery couple appeared when we were a half hour late one day.  No clue why they started 6 weeks in, but oh well.  The perk to her being a new teacher and having it at her home is the three times we haven't had a baby sitter we've been able to bring our kiddo along.  The down side is a couple weeks ago she was sick or had some kind of emergency and canceled class. 

So she decided to merge class 9 and 10 together instead of making up a course.  This was last night.  On top of cramming the two together, she also had a couple from her last class come in to do a testimonial.  This was great.  Hearing someone's success story from the same class/teacher we were having was phenomenal.  The problem I had with it was that we had them and two classes of material to cover.  The info in 9 and 10 were the most important too.  They were all about what happens during labor.  Granted, we've had bits and pieces throughout the whole course thus far, but this mapped out exactly what we are looking for in each step of the process from beginning to just before the baby arrives. 

I just wish she had more experience in general.  She's sweet and very approachable with questions, but her over all ability has left me lacking.  I'm also wondering why I'm paying for what I could have just read from the book: Husband Coached Childbirth.  The single redeeming value from it all is that my wife has more confidence after being around a group of folks who are pumped to have this be a success...unlike the rest of the Debbie-Downers who like to tell their horror stories and let her know she's crazy or can't do it.

Monday, May 3, 2010

May Day May Day! Man Down Man Down!

Yeah, this made me more than a little sad.  I rarely get anything besides a Cranberry Limeade from Sonic.  Yesterday I treated myself to a Lemon Berry Slush and it was GOOOOD!  Yet as I was unloading the kiddo with the drinks on the roof of the car we had an accident.  A cold shot up the leg and all over my exposed flip flopped feet at that!

After I cleaned it up (AKA picked up the cup and left the rest of it in the driveway) I stole the rest of my daughter's Strawberry Cream Slush.  All was right in the world as we settled in to enjoy some over the top violence in the form of Ninja Assassin!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Nose Hairs and Tweezer Torture

As a red head one might expect the rest of the hair on my body to be red, right?  Those of you who are still confused about the whole Lindsey Lohan "fire crotch" drama a few years back are in for a real eye opener here! For most red heads, yes the curtains match the drapes!  Though few people seem to freak out about the fact that it works the same for natural blonds.  I've been with a few and know first hand!

Well, like most non-equator-dwellers, not all the hair on my body follows suit.  My "peach fuzz" is very blond including most of my friggin' nose hairs.  I say most, cause the ones right up front are as dark red as my facial hair...they go away quite frequently.  The ones who reside farther back in my nostrils are pale, wanna be albino, white!  It literally looks like I've got a bat in the cave when the suns out.  In case you're not seeing where I'm going here, I'll spell it out for you.  White nose hairs in the sun look like boogers!  I had someone point it out the other day only for them to not believe me when I double checked and it was in fact a white as a ghost nose hair chillin' out in the shadows. Nearly brought a tear to my eye when I plucked it. 

I'm going to rate plucking hair (nose or otherwise) up there as one of the most sever tortures people are commonly subjected too.  Robin Thicke and The Hills are probably the two that could top it.  Seriously, I'm brought to tears every time I pluck a nose hair. 

So tonight I subjected myself to plucking my own eyebrows.  Before you say it, yes it's gay and frankly I don't care because I'm a hairy beast with a blond uni-brow otherwise.  I don't get huge bushy eyebrows or anything, but I certainly don't have naturally perfectly contained ones either.  My old boss is one of those people who has great hair and eyebrows with ZERO effort...and it sickens me.  Frankly he already thinks of himself as a god, why the hell should he just have everything else so easy? 

My wife used to pluck them for me every few months and it was torture but she loved it and I didn't complain about the fact that she'd straddle me to get 'er done!  Since she's pregnant, I've gone unkempt for the better part of a year.  I'm writing this 3/4 through the horrific process.  My right eye is completely finished and throbbing red and teary.  My left is not cooperating, a) because my right hand is awkwardly positioned over my left eye...I'm plucking and getting nothing half the time.  b) I'm in an eff load of pain at this point. And c) the beer has run out leaving my liquid courage a little dry. 

Men, groom your shit!  Women, help your men out and most importantly, reward them when a change/torture turns out right!