Saturday, March 13, 2010

The Saddest Thing I've Seen in a While

I was working on the garage today. We are going to have a garage sale in a few weeks because we have collected way too much crap to fit into a house with an expanding family. Basically everything Tina and I had before we were together has been sitting out in the garage for 3 years. Between the stuff we've bought for our home and babies and the things our friends and families have given us for both we are bursting at the seams. So it's time to purge!

Today was part one of organizing the stuff into keep, sell/give away, and gotta-sift-through-this-box-to-decide-to-keep-or-get-rid-of. It is astounding how much crap you can have that you literally don't touch for years. A nook in the garage holds piles of boxes containing books and a couple pieces of furniture. This is where I was working when my heart sank. I'll tell you this, as soon as I give you the back-story, you should stop reading if you are ultra-sensitive and your imagination will probably fill in the blanks for you.

So to the back-story: middle of the night two years ago I heard something in the garage. Being the "man of the house" I got up to investigate. OVERSHARE IN THREE, Two, one...We had just finished having sex, so I was completely naked and unarmed. (I had left the garage door cracked that night because our cat had gone on an adventure and hadn't come back yet, so I was thinking the noise was him.) As I clicked on the light something shot across garage from the cracked door to under my truck. I crouched down, dink a-dangling to get a closer look under the truck. As if on queue, as I got my face around the edge of the tire a white triangle with black eyes ala Spy Versus Spy popped into view. Not ashamed to say that I immediately grabbed my junk (as if the first thing any hissing triangle with black eyes would do is go after the lowest hanging fruit) and ran back into the house to find a weapon. It was an opossum and it was not playing dead! I returned, clothed, with a broom and dustpan. I opened the garage door and shooed it out into the tree next door.

My cat returned the next day, and trust me, no love was shown for his triumphant arrival. We left his ass alone in the house while we headed to Houston for a couple days. Or so we thought. There is a cat door between the garage and kitchen for Jack to have freedom and in theory, not need the adventure that awaits outdoors. When we got back from Houston, Jack met us at the door and was acting really odd. I followed him to the office, where he hangs out, to sit and chill with him for a bit. HOLY CRAP! There was a baby opossum in the middle of the floor...I'd be freaked out too if an intruder was in my bedroom! I got the cat carrier and some work gloves and grabbed the little guy...SO CUTE AS BABIES...Mommy could learn a thing our too from her babies! I put him out in the yard next to the tree his mommy ran up.
Tune out if you need to, cause the sad shit is coming. Why didn't I think, "hmm, every time I've ever seen a mommy opossum with babies, she has a bunch of them on her belly and back?" Well I didn't, we freaking had a freaking wild animal roaming around our house for a couple days, thank you very much. Back to the garage cleaning, I ran across what I thought was squirrel crap everywhere I was cleaning...yes we also had a squirrel infestation last summer. So I got to the back of the nook in the garage and realize it was not squirrel poop, it was opossum droppings. Under one leg of my old desk behind all of the boxes was an old cloth place mat with four dehydrated opossum babies.

My whole world came shrinking in around me. All I could think about was how the mommy opossum was protecting her babies from some crazed naked guy two years ago. The "Despereaux" of the group had ventured through the cat door to tango with whomever he had to just to find food. I just threw them out and let the other four starve in my own home. Seriously, the most depressing thing I've had to clean up in years. Karma is SOOOO not going to swing in my favor after this discovery. Damn.

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