Friday, December 31, 2010

Adios 2010!

2010 was a super busy year for me.  My daughter began walking and talking.  My wife gave me a son!  We traveled all over the US.  While we may have struggled financially, we've just learned to live on less.  As a family we've grown stronger.  I continue to be amazed by my wife's strength and the brightness of my children. 

Here's to a great 2011!  Wishing you and yours the best as well!

As a side note: I called tech support today and realized it was just past one.  Knowing he was in India and 12 and a half hours ahead of me that put him just after midnight...2011!  I asked him if they'd done any celebrating for the new year.  He told me there were still fireworks going off outside.  He was genuinely jovial and joking with me about the new year there and soon to be here.  I think he had a little sumtin' sumtin' to drink because well, if you've ever called Bangalore for help probably weren't in the mood to joke either!  Cheers!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Kindle Kristmas

So this was the year to gift an Amazon Kindle!  I purchased one for my wife as her "big Christmas gift" this year.  I was mortified along the ride to Oklahoma by a side comment from her she probably didn't even realize she'd made.

You ever been on a long roadtrip and noticed you had a travel companion in the form of another vehicle on the road?  I'm not talking 10 or 15 miles till you clear a bog.  I mean like intercity travel?  Well a gray Suburban and I traveled about 200 miles together from the time I cleared Dallas, TX until I switched highways near Muskogee, OK.

I commented to my wife that they are more like us than my preferred traveling speed.  As we switched positions 150 miles in (him in front of me) I saw one of his kids had a DVD player going, the other was in an infant seat and his wife was playing on a Nintendo DS up front.  My daughter had her DVD player going, my son asleep in his infant seat and my wife was reading on her iPhone.

She said, "yeah, well it would be great if I had a Kindle...but not that I really want one of those." 
I can't return this thing?
Hell it shipped 2 weeks earlier than expected!
Well that bitch is just gonna have to deal cause I'm not sending it back.
My "spoken response" was more of a slight grunt than anything and we carried on about our trip.

So Christmas Eve as we all exchanged gifts at her grandparents house I was surprised to see her Grandmother received one from her husband.  (Not that I should have been surprised given the claim on Amazon's website above)  Later that evening I whispered to her Grandmother that I'd gotten one for my wife she told me that her daughter was getting one from her husband. Crazy, that's three people bam bam bam!

So yes, my wife actually loved it...and not in that fake way we do when we get socks or an Olive Garden gift certificate.  She said I was so jealous of Grandma when she got hers last night.  I told her that her aunt also received one and she laughed.  I then asked her about the comment in the car.  She said "I wanted to say I don't need one because we are strapped for cash, but I didn't mean I didn't want one!"

Later that day when I called my parents to wish them Merry Christmas my mom told me she'd bought my dad one too!  That's 4 people in my "immediate" family with Kindles this year.  Your Welcome Amazon, hope you all get your end of year bonuses!

Some friends got them too.  Others got Kobos, Nooks and Sony eReaders.  My friends who are in the Barnes and Noble Nook and Borders Kobo boats this year were in a Boycott-Amazon mode that I didn't really understand.  I'd be one thing if they boycotted Wal-Mart for being a sickeningly huge conglomerate that is destroying the American economy but their rationale isn't so patriotic.  It wasn't because of the whole Wikileak ordeal.  Apparently Amazon won't carry porn.  They claim that while they don't buy it; it is an infringement of their civil rights for speech and press.  Some people just boggle my mind.  

Hope your Christmas was merry and bright! 

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Holiday Sights

I wish I could snap off photos of every random thing I run across that stops me in my tracks.  Unfortunately, I don't always have the speed nor the balls to fire off "People of Wal-Mart" style photos.  Instead you get to see my crappy iPhone images...worse, most of these are from my relative's homes this past week!  Enjoy!

 Nothing says Merry Christmas like Edible Poop and Pee!

 Almost bought these for my cousin.  
Then I remembered life isn't actually a John Hughes Movie.

 One Christmas Gift I really wanted but didn't get.
I Love Bacon!

This is the kind of destruction the Terrible Two's can get you.
Within 24 hours of being at my wife's grandmother's house.

At what point do you go from just leaving a pair of boots by the fireplace for the night
to having the hearth become your shoe closet?
And no, this was not St. Nicholas Tag!

What natural disaster is she stockpiling for?
Or do they get this bad?
Never mind, I don't want to know.

Hey kids! The newest Christmas Party Game!
Hang the Star on Santa's Dong!
Oh, and is that a riding crop in his hands?

I love you guys...but when I saw this picture I just died!
Is my uncle George Costanza?

Stopped for an incredible breakfast at Timmy's before leaving T-Town.
You know it's good and Southern when Chicken Fried Steak and Pork Chops are Side Items!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

A Christmas Vacation

Yes, I enjoyed my Christmas vacation. Yes, my children had a blast this Christmas.  Yes, they were showered with gifts.  Yes, the whole family doted and adored them.  What I'd like to share are a handful of mishaps...cause we all know those are so much more entertaining

Let's start with Wednesday before Christmas.  While still snuggled in bed at home in Austin, Texas; my wife had gotten up with the kids to allow me to "sleep in."  Our little two-year-old girl had gotten up about 7:15 and was watching Sesame Street.  I know this because "sleeping in" doesn't necessarily mean sound asleep.  She'd fed our 5 1/2 month old son and was carrying him around throughout the house as she continued packing us up for our trip to Oklahoma.

At 7:25 am I heard a very loud pounding on our front door.  I awoke and sprung to my feet.  Looking down at my underwear, I hoped my wife was more adequately dressed than I for answering it.  The only thing I could think of was that one of my neighbors had backed into my truck accidentally...random I know, but I remember a day when I was a child that my Dad's truck rolled from our driveway across the street through a neighbors gate into their car.

It was the police.  They asked my wife if everything was OK.  She said "yeah, for the most part." (I could strangle her for the last four words) He said they'd received a call to 911 and traced it back to our address and needed to verify there was no incident.  About that time my daughter came to her side flipping the screens on my iPhone.  She replied "And I have a two-year-old with a phone...I'm so sorry."  They said they thought so...what Cookie Monster wasn't telling enough?  I truly am glad it only takes 8 minutes to respond to a 911 call.  Oh and she dialed my brother-in-law one minute after 911 according to my call log...Mr. EMT didn't answer, thank you very much! Gotta love drama on the first day of vacation.

I took a couple of conference calls for work which sucked since it was my day off.  Then, time to get on the I thought.  (I switch out vehicles twice a week for work.  It's part of my salary package, but to avoid being taxed, I must keep the vehicles in constant revenue rotation)  I drive the Ford F-150s quite often.  They typically get 420-450 miles to the tank.  This one I'd just switched into the night before (for the trip...super spacious and you have a whole bed for luggage and gifts!) was reading 340 miles left on the tank and I'd just topped it off with a gallon that night!  WTF?  I'm not driving 500+ miles with 100 less miles in my tank!

I got to work and tried topping it off more to no avail, so I asked one of the techs.  He suggested the last customer to drive it might have filled it up with Ethanol.  He said that Ethanol gets on average 75% the MPG that regular unleaded gasoline gets.  I'm not corroborating his claim, but the numbers seemed to add up.  So I was on the hunt for a new vehicle...took nearly an hour to find a low idle truck on a tight fleet day!  (Side note...when you return a rental car; fill it up with Ethanol because it's considerably cheaper and it only screws over the next renter.)

Let's move on to the vacation family traveled well this year albeit a half day later than anticipated.  As I loaded the new truck my little girl flew over the driver's seat into her car seat squealing "CAR TV!" when she saw me installing the portable DVD player!  Our infant son just slept most of the way along the 8 hour journey.  

I'll skip the family drama that led up to this because this post is already considerably longer than expected.  We stayed at my father-in-law's parent's home.  They have a beautiful two story in the north Tulsa, Oklahoma suburb called Owasso.  My daughter took a tumble down them the next morning.  Always a good way to start out...near heart attacks and potential fractures.  Luckily all was well after the sea of tears was dried. 

The next evening did not fair as well.  Christmas Eve is always the aforementioned in-law's parent's designated night of celebration for Christmas.  We went to Christmas Eve communion at their church and came back for feasting and present exchanges.  So much fun until my daughter gets knocked over (her fault) by our cousin and busts open her chin.  Thing is gnarly.  Serious crying and bleeding!

Christmas morning was a slower build than normal....too much wine.  My family foursome exchanged gifts and Santa delivered a red wagon...whose construction the night before came with its own share of correctable mishaps...and we were overly late to the next scheduled event.

We arrived at my Dad's father's house for our typical Christmas afternoon to find my Grandpa had a black and blue shiner on his right eye.  This 86-year-old man had fought a brave battle with and airborne wooden hanger and frankly, was not the victor. 

We later ventured to my mother-in-law's mom's house for Christmas night festivities...which included two different stuffed TurDuckHens!  OMG...yes I just wrote OMG...EFFING FANTASTIC!

Started out like normal until...while sitting in front of daughter called 911 AGAIN!!!!  The Tulsa police called back and all was cleared up quickly without a visit luckily!  Later, I began to see a second pattern emerging but for some reason didn't connect with it...My wife's aunt had taken a tumble outside and fractured her skull on the curb...two black eyes!

My four-year-old niece and two-year-old daughter played most of the night.  More crying and family drama ensued when (still still currently a mystery) my little daughter wound up with a corner of the coffee table shaped wound on her eye/cheek bone).  Lovin' the homonym usage there.

The next day we drove a 150 mile one way to my wife's other grandmother's house (yes there are three families...on both sides).  Things went really well over there.  Everyone got along, no one was injured.

On the way back we stopped by my wife's aunts home because I'd never been and it wasn't too far of the route back.  Me and her Uncle watched the Sound of Music while they all big deal really...just a cute home and happy visit.

The last stop that day before retiring was to my In-Law's home.  (I don't know if it's come up...well, I'm sure it has...but my mother-in-law is "The Crazy Cat Lady" of her neighborhood city county state who am I kidding?...period)  A lovely visit was a cat scratch to my daughter's face.

I was actually starting to feel sorry for my little girl until the next day we visited my best friend.  She has an eleven-year-old, a six-year-old and an 18-month-old.  My daughter cannot share and was straight up MEAN to the little one!  I tried to be positive yet stern...I'm sure it came across as lackadaisical! 

Whatever, my poor little girl.  Busted chin, black eye and a cat scratch too boot!  I just have to say, all the visiting was great, the celebrations were great but I'm so freaking glad to be home and I know they all are too!  Oh and our cat is so grateful to not have to drink out of bowls bigger than him I'm sure!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Sergeant, Bite Your Tongue...Still

I have to admit serious ignorance here.  When I first heard about "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in the 90's, I thought it was a good thing.  Meaning, I thought it was pro gay.  I was a kid and only heard positive things being said about it in my ultra-conservative family and state.  It never occurred to me...until a couple years ago, that it was oppressive. 

I now see the error of my ways so to say.  Basically, I hadn't really put any thought into it and so my 12 year old mindset stuck until I was nearly 30.  Even sadder, it was an episode of Army Wives my wife was watching while I was home that clued me in...yep, the power of television folks.

So finally both houses have passed the bill revoking it and Obama has put his approval stamp on it as well.  I'm really happy to hear this.  How is it possible to have a law like this in place?  It's not illegal to be gay is it?  Gay/Straight isn't a box I've ever had to check (AOL aside) for any official forms or census.  So why is the military separating them?  Oh yeah, they are the same ones who wouldn't let women fight in the front lines.

Now that it's set the Washington Post Article I read points out that it's not actually in effect yet.  So what?  If someone comes out during the next few months before it's officially in place they'll get kicked out yet the bill has been past.  That'd be a serious dick move. 

Bide your time a bit more ladies and gentlemen.  I know it isn't something you should have ever had to wait for, but it'll be the norm soon enough.  I hope this has a positive impact on the country's outlook and especially the military's.  Kudos and good luck.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

My Life According to Facebook

Free app on Facebook snags a single update from each month and groups it together in one collage.  Kinda interesting.  Kinda startling how much of our lives I've broadcast.  And now even more so.

2010 was a good year though!  Very little of it left and on to new adventures in 2011!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Tilt To Live

I've written about my iPhone obsessions before (Link, Link).  I purchased a game a few months ago and never got the chance to play it.  (My phone crashed and for some reason it took forever for me to reload the game)  It's called "Tilt To Live" from One Man Left Studios.

So the goal is simple: get as many points as possible by destroying little red dots.  The catch?  Touch a red dot and you die.  Second catch?  The red dots are after you.  So yeah, none of this over the top graphics of Nazi soldiers versus one steroid amped commando.  You're a cursor and you must tilt to live.

The game is addictive.  You get cooler weapons the better you get which gives you the opportunity to make more points and thus gets better see where that cycle is going.  The music is pretty entertaining as well...I don't know how to describe it but possibly rockabilly. 

You have four play options.  Classic...start there and see if you survive.  Code stated in the description, this is Classic on Crack.  The Gauntlet...Think of it as a Tilt To Live obstacle course. only have one shield and a bunch of frozen dots to destroy but if you let one slip off the screen it'll come back as a red hot dot with targets locked on your ass.

My favorite part is the cheeky humor they've added to the whole experience.  For starters, as you wait for the game to load there is a spinning arrow.  The first time I saw the game load it told me to rotate the phone clockwise to get the arrow to stop spinning.  I must not have noticed the screens that came after because I kept "calibrating" my phone to get it to start.  I was punked by a game.  The screens that now show up are like this.

Some of my faves are:
A Test of Insecurity:  You will look crazy if you play this game in public
A Test of Inevitability: Exploding Arrows, the dots always win, just give up now.
A Test of Ambiguity: Do it.  Then know.
Mind Blown: You are actually the villain in this game and the good guys always win.

Here are a couple screenshots of the action.
Rocket Pouches blast off heat (red dot) seeking missiles and
Bombs blow dots in the area up.

The plasma bursts are the best for clearing the area you need to go. 

Ice bombs freeze the dots, you can smash them yourself or use a plasma burst or a bomb to clear them out.

 The vortex can be a pain in the ass but will help you in times of trouble, especially in Code Red play.  It is like a black hole.  Anything and everything gets sucked in...including the music (it's all warped and your ears almost give you a sense of being pulled in).  You can get stuck, but not pulled through, so watch out.

The green shields can either act as direct contact bombs with the dots or allow you to smash and go with frozen dots.  If one is available, I try to jump in it before using any other weapon, you know, just in case I accidentally tilt into a dot.

My favorite weapon is a spiky attack shield.  Annihilate everything in sight.
I just recently unlocked Lightening.  It's like an electric version of the spiky attack shield.

Here's a look at some of the Gauntlet (which I suck at!).

And Here's Frostbite...which I also haven't mastered!

The cheekiness through out the play comes in the form of pop up notices as you score big combos of kills.  5X Highest Combo Conceivable.  Then a second later it'll say 20X, we lied.  Followed by 42X, The Meaning of Life! 100X, 300X, etc.  My favorite is if you don't even score 1000 points, they say "Our Pity."

This is what iPhone games are all about.  Tilt to Live gets a major thumbs up from  me.  Buy it, Play it, Love it!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I Love Texas

Some experiences can only be explained away by location.  I'm sure Arkansas, Pennsylvania, Mississippi, West Virginia, Alabama, Kentucky and Oklahoma could garner a similar experience.

I arrived home from work the other day at 6:15pm.  I pulled into the drive and walked to the street to check the mail and bring the trash can up to the garage.  As I'm headed to the house, wheelie bin in tow, I hear my neighbor holler, "Dorn, Come See What I got!"

I saw him between the garage and the cars with his kids when I pulled in.  I'd waved and said hello before I grabbed the mail.  I'm not thinking any big deal.  I did know that his leaf blower had broken a few weeks ago, so I figured it was a new toy.

Ladies and gentleman, I do not hunt.  I'm not a vegan, nor do I value the life of an animal over that of a human.  This made me want to jump out of my skin.

Yep, that's a fox....I promise it is not a cat, look at it's pointy nose.

My neighbor and his brood (triplet five year old girls and a seven year old boy) were standing around a work table with that little guy laying on it.  His son said "We're gonna skin it!"  One of his little girls was stroking its tail.  Another asked "Daddy are we gonna eat it?"  Thankfully he and I were unanimous as we synchronously blurted out "You don't eat Fox."

I'll admit it was a pretty animal.  The fact that he was tanning it wasn't upsetting, my wife owns a coat or two with fox around the collar.  It was just jarring, kinda like walking into the middle of a horror movie...everyone's dying and you don't know what's led up to it but the rest of the folks around you seem at ease about the whole situation.

He explained that the lady driving in front of him hit it.  He couldn't see what it was but pulled over in case it was a coyote.  He was going to shoot it if it was still alive so it wouldn't just be miserable.  When he saw it was a fox he knew he had to take it home to his kids.  Such a good dad.

I went inside to help my wife get the kids ready, we were going Christmas shopping.  I'd told my wife about it and showed her the pictures.  She thought it was cool.  We left the house less than 10 minutes later. Our neighbor met us in the driveway with a fully skinned fox...hand covered in blood.  I'll freely admit that it intimidates me that he can skin anything in under 10 minutes...let alone with the seeming precision at which this was done.  (My kitchen skills with Fish and Chicken don't count!)

As my wife admired it, my daughter didn't even notice its existence.  She was too caught up with "BOY!" er, her "nickname" for his son.  No joke she wails for "BOY" forever after they are separated. 

I love Texas!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Death by Declan MacManus

So a childproofed home is a joke in many senses.  Basically you make your own life harder in every little unimaginable way.  You don't consider the ramifications of placing a security lock on your toilet until you're bursting at the seams trying to relieve yourself and become incapable of  a fluid push-slide-twist maneuver!  My point though is that no matter how equipped you think you've made your home, like futuristic machines set to kill humans, they just adapt to the restrictions and seek out weaknesses like top notch hackers.

So my daughter is right at three-feet-tall right now.  That means with her arm reach, she can now control the DVD player with ease and no tip toe action.  In case you're wondering, yes at two years old she effortlessly controls remotes to the TV, DVD & Wii (including navigating between games and Netflix) oh and our iPhones too!

She gets in trouble if she cranks the volume on the surround sound.  She also gets in trouble for flipping a show or movie off and clicking over to Elmo, Blue, Barney or any of her other favorites in the blink of an eye.  So when it comes to switching out DVDs from the device that's just strictly prohibited.


This is why. 

I'm not a Malaysian sweatshop worker.  I shouldn't know what the inside of my DVD player looks like.

Why am I looking at the inside of my DVD player?

This is why.

The power of a two year old cracked an Elvis Costello CD in half.  Well in pieces to be specific.  There is still a missing piece.  Shel Silverstein's poems didn't account for drawer number three coming off its track, thus crippling the whole machine!

 Yeah, all the King's Horses and All the Kings Men
can't get that back in working order again.

Friday, December 10, 2010

A New Twist

Remember that guy who sneaked into America through Canada dressed as an old man?  No?  Here's my drivel. Well someone else liked the idea only this time they robbed a bank.  As a black man of course.

Guess you can't trust your eyes anymore, huh?

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Toddlers and Christmas Trees

Year one my daughter was only a month old for Christmas, so she just looked cute and everyone oohed and awed.

Year two was much more fun.  Our, then, three year old niece and her played to the point of exhaustion even though she was only crawling, not walking.

This year, well this year is different.  She's walking.  She's into everything.  We have a five month old son who seems to like the twinkly lights but can't destroy anything yet. 

We bought a tree a few days ago.  She loved it.  A tree inside the house, who wouldn't right?  I put her to bed and put on the (6 strands) of lights.  We were going to finish decorating the next day.  She was so excited when it was all lit up the next morning.  She began doing laps around it.  To give a better picture, there is a wall with a window adjacent to another living room wall on the back side.  So laps isn't an easy task.  But it was new and exciting so it was to be expected i guess. 

I came home to find the bottom branches broken and most of my effort stringing the lights "altered."  According to my wife she found her stretched out like superman mid flight in the lower branches.  She was too concerned with untangling her to snap off a photo.  Later in the day she found heard a squeal as my daughter had driven her car up into the lower half of the tree.  We aren't talking Matchbox either.  This is one of those push/ride cars that aren't rated for arboreal "off-roading."

So we "doctored" the tree and sorta shoved the lights back in place.  I broke out the ornaments.  She was super happy that I let her pick out the ones I was to hang up next.  We'd gotten through about a dozen of the ceramic (I know, what the hell was I thinking?) ones my mother-in-law gave us last year.  She then decided I needed to have better access to them so she lifts the tray off the couch to bring it closer (to her).  We had a few casualties to say the least.

Once the rest of the non breakables were up I was going to have her put the star on the tree.  That's when the game of how fast can we take the ornaments off the tree began. 

Needless to say it was bed time and my wife threatened to put a gate around our creation. 

I got a message from my wife that today (with the Christmas lights off) the tree seems to have lost it's novelty.  Not sure if it's the lack of twinkle or if three days in she's no longer interested.  Either is a distinct possibility.  I'm betting that she's waiting for my arrival home so she can really see the sparks fly. 

Merry Christmas Kid.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Aerosols and Automobiles

Here are some random sightings from this week.  Yes I know my iPhone camera is crap and moreso, when I'm driving.  Deal with it.

Let's start by defining the term Chick Magnet.  This has always seemed like a very positive concept but tends to be wielded by douche bags.  So my question is: Does their confidence really work or are they automatically a repellent?
 Pretty sure this guy's lonely life on the road comes with nothing but 
confidence and lady-baggin'. 

This was in the bathroom at Floyd's barbershop.

When you're planning a marketing strategy that involves a vehicle, what's the first thing you think of?  Sign that biatch right? Plaster your number all over it!  So what's the first thing you think of when it comes to Home Health Care?  Injections, Diaper Changes, and loads of other horrific concepts?  How bout a Safari or more to the point a Zebra?
I guess it did at least get them noticed.

Can I just say, while I strive to be green and eco-conscious, I don't go over board.  So pointing this out is admittedly snarky.   When you call something Eco-Smart, it implies you are making a product that doesn't harm the environment.  This is an insect repellant.  Two things here.  Insects are part of the environment and eco-system, so killing them in any way isn't really being Green...I'm talking to you California Wine Country!  Also, this is a friggin' aerosol can.  I don't care if it has plant based products so you don't harm other creatures while killing the ones you desire, it is still putting CFCs into the air.  Oh, that's right there is no hole in the Ozone.  What was I thinking?
Pretty sure a fly swatter would be the more "eco friendly" option if 
Mother Nature gave you permission to kill her inhabitants. 

I have to admit, I've never been on a party bus, but I think I would love it.  Why limo companies didn't think of this years ago is beyond me.  Buses have to be cheaper to maintain.  You can fit a hell of a lot more people on them and if you charge per head...hells to the yeah!  This one just even has a pub crawl that they organize.  That's heaven in my book.  Next bachelor party someone needs thrown will surely involve one of these!
Ride the Cherry...Bomb

Monday, December 6, 2010


Does this crap with North Korea freak anyone else out?  I'm not in utter panic mode or anything.  This just seems like something that isn't going to disappear without some scary shit going down.

I much preferred my image of North Korea's Kim Jong Il as an animated puppet intent of world domination.

Friday, December 3, 2010

The Thigh Bone Connected To The Hip Bone

My daughter is two.  She's been in learning mode since she was born.  At one point, early on, I remember thinking: "if only you could talk."  We even taught her sign language to help with communication before her vocal communicative abilities kicked in.  Fast forward a bit and BLAMO!  I now have a walking, talking, destruction machine.  

As soon as walking became a notch on her belt the bathroom lost any sense of privacy it ever once held.  She'd smack that door open and join us was we did our business every time.  Fine.  We just got over it.  I had to nip the whole "try to catch the stream game" real quick.  Ultimately though it's one of the reasons we were able to potty train her so early.  She saw us do it all the time and it made the transition easier.

So let's just say that learning the parts of the body is something of a common place topic in our home for the past year.  Nose, Fingers, Bellybutton.  Whatever, those are so last year.  No seriously.  Between her joining me in the bathroom and her watching our five month old get his diaper changed, she knows what's going on down there for both girls and boys.  Mom breastfeeds so there is no question of what's going on up there either.

So I shouldn't have been surprised when we flipped channels and landed on the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show and the first utterances from her were: "Panties!" "Boobs!"

Thank you Captain Obvious.

If you've never been down the potty training road, lemme just say, it isn't without it's share of accidents.  I'll spare you further detail.  But given that she understands the whole "package" deal with me and her brother, the next incident had me just rolling. 

I was changing the other day getting ready to go out after work.  I'm in just my boxer-briefs.  She walks over to me (crotch level) and taps my junk.  Looks at Mommy and says "Daddy Pooped."

Why Mommy wasn't upset nor making me change "panties" seemed to be beyond her. 

So, it turns out my daughter isn't the only one in the house in need of an anatomy lesson.  And no I don't mean my five month old son.  My wife called me today laughing hysterically.  She'd flipped on The Talk.  Today's episode included Embarrassing Health Related Questions to a Doctor.

Apparently everyone was chiming in with questions.  They turned to Sharon Osborn and said, come on Sharon you must have a question.  She said that, well yes she did.  "Why is it that when women get older, their vagina's fall out?"

My wife said Holly Robinson Peet spit her drink everywhere at that moment.  Little did my wife know over the phone that my face fell into a Friday-the-13th-about-to-be-slashed-with-a-machete-look of shock and horror.

"What?  Your vagina will fall out?"

She said the doctor corrected Sharron and said that she means your uterus, not your vagina.

"What?  Your Uterus falls out?  That's a friggin' organ!  What do you mean it falls out? How disgusting!"

She says "well, not like you just end up with a balloon in your underwear or anything."

I responded, well that's at least better, because I was picturing a blow fish suddenly landing on the street assuming granny is going commando."

She said "Oh god Dorn!  That's just gross. It's more like gravity takes over. It's kinda like a female 'package'."

I shrieked, "What?  So Mommy Pooped? God that's just so gross.  Thank you so much for this info.  I'm going to walk into my store now."

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Can You Do It Better?

Wanna win $10,000 to blow in 48 hours?  (I should hear clamorous cheering and slews of Me, I do, Pick MEEEs!)

Garnier Fructis is running a campaign that combines the worst best of YouTube and Jackass!  Make a video of you doing something better that how it's normally done.  Sounds simple right?

Carving a turkey with a knife and fork. Pussy.  Try it with a chainsaw?  Better.

Hire a babysitter and go to the opera.  What is this 1953?  How bout you duct tape that kid to a wall and go hit the rodeo?  Better.

Bleach your lady-stache.  Lame. Atomic Tweeze Machine?  Better

Hire a paid spokes person to eloquently yet seductively hock your product during 30 second TV spots in the middle of American Idol?  So Yesterday.  Hire a relatively hot model who can't read a teleprompter (even though you know they edited this from a zillion clips) and post it all over Youtube with links back to Better.

Unknown Title - Watch more free videos

So yes, I'm trying to come up with my own.  Don't judge me!  Should my cajones drop before the deadline I will definitely post it!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

My True Love's Wallet Took a Hit

Ever wondered what the cost of the 12 Days of Christmas comes in at?  Well the folks at PCN were curious back in 1984.  Back then it was an astounding $12,673.56!  They've carried on the tradition every year since.  Here is their 2010 index of gifts from My True Love.  The interactive storytelling is clever, so I hope you check it out.  If not you can find the essentials below.

Here we go! On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to me A Partridge in a Pear Tree.  You don't really think I'm going to type out the all the lyrics?  Sorry to cut to the chase, but I'm not diggin the idea of everyone wasting 20 scrolls of the mouse wheel to get to the point.

I do have to make a commentary though, I really did think it was Calling Birds, not Colly Birds which is what Wiki posted.  Ugly little black birds versus anything your imagination can concoct singing a beautiful tune worked much better for me.

1st - A Partridge in a Pear Tree - $162 - Up 1.3% from 2009
2nd - Two Turtle Doves - $100 - Up 78.6% from 2009
3rd - Three French Hens - $150 - Up 233% from 2009
4th - Four Colly Birds - $599.96 - Flat from 2009

 5th - Five Gold Rings - $650 - Up 30% from 2009
6th - Six Geese a Laying - $150 - Flat from 2009
7th - Seven Swans a Swimming - $5600 - Up 6.7% from 2009
8th - Eight Maids a Milking - $7.25 per Maid - Flat from 2009
9th - Nine Ladies Dancing - $6293.95 - Up 15% from 2009
10th - Ten Lords a Leaping - $4767 - Up 8% from 2009
11th - Eleven Pipers Piping - $214 per Piper - Up 3.1% from 2009
12th - Twelve Drummers Drumming - $2553 - Up 3.1% from 2009

So the cost of Christmas is up 9.2% from Last Year! That's a grand total of $23,439.38!  And that's just on the 12th day!  Imagine this building upon itself daily!  Imagine the amount of bird shit in your house too.  Gross.  And how exactly do you get a Leaping Lord, I mean are we talking Broadway here?  Cause I don't see to many English blokes proffering up their services for a few days at such meager wages...hell that'll barely cover the airfare.

I hope your true love comes in with a win this year.  I'm so happy it's December!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Day 30 - A Letter To Yourself, Tell Yourself EVERYTHING You Love About Yourself

Well then.  My 300th post is all about myself. Guess I haven't come very far from the first post over a year and a half ago.  Whiny, self centered, job hating...check.  I'd give myself credit for consistency, but I think that's the wrong kind of compliment.

So, everything I love about me huh?  You know that Brad Paisley song "Letter To Me?"  If not, cause I know alls y'all didn't grow up in the Midwest like me and country music may be a foreign concept, take a gander below.  I wish I could talk to my child self as the me now.  Pretty sure that's why there are dozens of sayings about how hind sight is twenty twenty.  That would be easier in my opinion.  A letter of things I love about myself is just odd.

Dear Dorn, (Cordial, not too formal and not too homeboyish.  Oh and Seriously Microsoft, quit underlining my name.  It is not misspelled! Quit changing it to Dora, Dork or Darn.  Apple learned in in under a day.  Get with the program Bill!)

I know you don't take compliments well, so I'll start out slow and just enjoy it, I'm sure you'll see some things you agree with too. 

I love that you can walk into a kitchen with zero idea of what to cook for dinner and whip something incredibly tasty and whole house satisfying in under an hour...or even better when it's under 30 like tonight.  See that wasn't so hard.  You already freely admit you're a good cook.  Not quite America's Test Kitchen material, but Sandra Lee can certainly suck it!

I love that you've kept your marriage/relationship with your wife happy and exciting even after eight years together!  This month's entries have been chocked full of innuendos and blatant references, so this shouldn't surprise you at all at this point if you've been following along!  I love that you still find your wife attractive even while she's dealing with body image issues after two kids in two years.  Even better that you let her know too.  I love that you can still make her laugh...even if it's the same story from yesteryear that she's heard a dozen times.  (Probably why you love her too!)

Still on the marriage/wife topic.  I love that you're hopelessly committed to your wife and life with her.  I love that you make her a priority, even though she may beg to differ sometimes.  I love that you married your best friend and it didn't cross your mind that things could have worked out differently had you not dressed up in that bunny suit for 36 hours in an attempt to completely win her over.  (I'm sure that will come up in depth eventually.  No joke, I was a 6' Easter Bunny...make that 7' compensating for the head and ears, roaming the city on Easter Sunday!)

I love that your children adore you.  I love that your daughter gets voraciously jealous when you are holding your son.  It really does mean she's claimed you as hers and no one else's.  I love that your son not only looks incredibly like you, but he also laughs for you more than anyone else.  I love that, while it drives you insane, your daughter will not have anyone but Daddy take her potty when you are home.  I love that you know how to calm both down within seconds when they are throwing a tantrum.  I love that you know exactly what they need when they call out or cry for you without need for explanation.

Alright enough with the mushy family stuff.  I love that you can slip into a wide variety of Southern, Hillbilly, Country, Hick, Texan, and various other drawls and mumblings from south of the Mason Dixon, without missing a beat in a conversation.  (Southern drawls work particularly well while waiting tables.  Quick Hick comes in very handy when speaking "privately" to your wife in front of folks plagued with English as a Second Language.  And Folks, Texas truly is a whole other country and thus deserves its own exception).  Speaking of accents that get a laugh, I love that when you actually attempt to speak it, your Spanish is complimented for not sounding like an ignorant American is speaking it!

I love that you travel for family even though your parents won't.  I love that you have various creative bones in your body, I just wish you'd use one to actually complete something you've begun to execute.  I love that you look at life a bit differently than many of your peers.  Following the pack can typically get you out of danger, but it seldom gets you where you really want to go.

I'm sure there are bunches more that I love about you me OK this really is creepy, but I am getting tired and you I we screw it, just go to bed we have a super busy day tomorrow!

Love, Me(seriously what the eff pronoun am I supposed to use here?  Is this considered writing in second person?)

So happy this is over.  I haven't minded having a specific topic to work with each day.  It's given me motivation to jump on this computer each day (well almost).  I just don't know how much I've grown because of this.  Eh, maybe I've spent a bit more time liking me...a hell of a lot more than I did when I started it.  OK fine, it did it's job.  Thank you Rae & Wym for the inspiration.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Day 29 - Something You Hope To Change About Yourself And Why.

So many things I would love to see changed.  Tomorrow is all about things I love about myself.  I can find so much wrong that it's hard to see the positive.  So that gives me a lot to work with here yet I don't know how to choose. 

I spoke about procrastination earlier this month.  The one thing I've narrowed down ties into that and my post the other day about my wife trying to start her own company.  I've also talked about wanting to be a teacher before. 

That all adds up to me wanting to change my status in life.  I want to go back to school (want is probably a misnomer here as I HAVE to go back to school for this) and complete the requirements to become a teacher in Texas.  I don't know if elementary ed is a perfect fit but since I would get to teach a broad spectrum of topics, I think I would enjoy it more.  That said, High Schoolers or Middle Schoolers would benefit from a strong male figure (I heard that snicker...just work with me here).  I don't think, given my track record of college success, that I'm ready to strive for professor status.

I have never been motivated to go back to school for real.  I've been an working adult student before.  I quit because life (read that as a "new job that required 60 hours a week dedication") crept up on me.  Yes I see the irony in my inability to complete school yet I want to be a teacher.  That is more of my procrastination and laziness than my actual ability to achieve success in my studies.  When I apply myself I am a straight A student.  I just allow myself to slack off in the most costly and detrimental ways. 

I'm never going to be happy if I continue working in corporate America.  I can still do my wife's business on the side no matter what I do.  I know there is a ton of politics involved in every school district.  Also our litigious society has made teaching, especially for men, very difficult.  I'm OK with those challenges.  I want to do something that will make me proud to do what I do. 

I don't want to be conflicted about my decisions any more.  I need to do this.  I'm 31 now.  I don't think there is a cut off for teachers, but I can't wait too much longer.  School will absorb a couple years of my life and I need to get that out of the way before my kids are too old.  My goal is to start school again in January.  Here's to books and homework!  Here's to me making a change that is positive in every way.  Here's to finishing something I set out to do!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Day 28 - What If You Were Pregnant Or Got Someone Pregnant, What Would You Do?

Now if I got pregnant, as a man that would be a miracle.  So I'd call every reality TV production company in existence and bid for some beaucoup cash.  Hell I'd need it with three kids. 

I am SOOOOOO not ready to be a father of three.  If some freak accident with a jimmy cap happens or I finally get tired of using condoms as a married man, this might happen.  Seriously, I've used them more as a married man than I ever did single.  (not that I was unprotected, but most girlfriends were on birth control and disease didn't factor in).  Since my wife breastfeeds, birth control doesn't work.  Kinda like drinking grapefruit juice on antibiotics.  Somethings just don't play well with one another.  And since she breastfed all the way up to this last pregnancy, that means prego sex was the only reprieve from the little rubber guys I've had in two years. 

Yep, there that was.  How was it for you?  I guess I've stopped caring this month. Anyhoo, moving on.

If my wife got pregnant again, great.  We'd make it work and love that kid just as much as our other two.  I just don't want to deal with that stress right now.

Now if I got someone else pregnant...which is not even a slight possibility...but for the sake of argument let's roll with it.  I'd freak the fuck out first.  My original stance against abortion would probably go out the window.  Begging and pleading would probably ensue.  I'd panic if this came true.  I can lie.  Well.  But I don't know how I'd handle this one.  So since I'm a faithful husband, this won't ever happen and thus isn't worth my dwelling on it.